“It’s a truth universally acknowledged that...
African parents fly into a mad panic when their female offspring start approaching a certain age and the topic of marriage hasn’t been broached. True to form, my parents are in no way different and given their recent antics, are willing to break traditional parenting rules to get their point across...loud and clear.
Picture the scene: It’s a calm Sunday night, I’m winding down and prepping for the impending work day ahead of me when my Blackberry pings, signalling the arrival of an email. Thinking it’s one of my diasporan girls hollering, i nonchalantly reach for it, while simultaneously attempting The Sunday Times crossword (i only managed to get 5 words, hmmmph).
A glance at the email confirmed the impossible, that hell had well and truly frozen over.
Reflecting back at me was an email from my darling father...that wasn’t the shocking part...the distressing bit was the email subject title, and i quote, “Why are Black Women scaring off their Men?”
Now I’m not somebody accustomed to having nothing to say (many can vouch for this fact), but yah, gobsmacked doesn’t even begin to describe it.
After being dumbstruck for a marathon time of 5 minutes, my temper set in. I wasn’t so much seething as i was MAD...hopping mad. Please note, i hadn’t actually got round to reading the email yet, i just wasn’t happy about what the subject title implied...that if i was a black woman of a certain age and single, i was obviously actively going out of my way to scare the fellas off *smh*
A “sisterhood tribune” was necessary: Sister #1 was called, she found the whole thing hilarious and my father’s concern endearing, “He’s just concerned Vimbi, the man is feeling his mortality.” She was to “zen” for my liking so I bid her a hasty adieu. Now given global time zones, i knew it would be cruel to holla at Sister #2 and reasoned that I should probably sleep on it. Note, i still hadn’t got round to reading the email.
6:10am Monday morning, Sister #2 rings (clearly she’s not so concerned about disrupting my REM cycle, hmmph) and informs me that under no circumstances am I allowed to respond to The Email. You see, I’m not exactly the family diplomat, I’m prone to dramatic language not to mention, I’ve been told my voice levels climb an octave or two when distressed. Sister #2 calmly explains my father’s motivation in sending such an email and that she agrees with some points raised, she too sounds very zen-like (yes, that gene clearly skipped me). That’s when I stubbornly conclude that I should probably read The Email.
Ten minutes later, I’m less scandalised but not completely mollified. I still don’t understand what made papa dearest send The Email. You see, although we were raised on healthy doses of the The Cosby Show and my dad reminds me of the character Cliff Huxatable, do not be mistaken, my father is 100% African. This means, when it came to raising us girls, it was implicitly communicated that he did not want to hear any romantic mention of the male specimen unless it involved marriage, otherwise he was indifferent. So all boys who came a-visiting when growing up where dutifully introduced as “friends” and rushed out of the house asap.
Clearly the policy has changed, papa dearest now wants to school us on the wants and needs of the African man and give my sisters and I a heads up...this has reduced me to giggling hysterically.
A phone call to my mother, confirmed all suspicions. Yes, they were concerned, or as my mother eloquently put it, “Where are my grandchildren?!” Followed by a thinly veiled threat, “We are looking into arranged marriages.” That got me worried; my mother has always been a poor judge of character when it comes picking out potential suitors for my sisters and me. She inadvertently picks the one who sucks up to her the most, the one who’s just a tad bit too smooth and general randoms.
Nope, this woman cannot be trusted, neither can her accomplice husband. A week before I moved to Jozi, my father craftily put an ex-boyfriend’s of mine’s father on the line, so that my ex’s father could explain in length that my ex and I would be living in the same city again and it was in everyone’s best interest that we “link up” *insert subliminal nudging and eyebrow waggling*
This situation is getting too Jane Austen for my liking...next the parental will be talking about the yearly income of so-and-so, the prospects of every bachelor within a 100km radius and what a great family so-and-so comes from.
I think it’s wise to give HIM the head’s up that gentlemen visitors may start to come a-calling and it’s none of my doing *smh*
Holla in the comments chickens :-)
SATC: I won’t give away any spoilers, there’s so little to this movie that one line could give away the plot, ka ka ka. Okay, I’m being cruel, but I am the only person who feels a little sad for these mama’s running around Manhattan like they’re youngsters? Half the characters show some progression in life, the other half, eish...see for yourself what I mean.
But where they never go wrong is the clothes and the shoes! Surprisingly, the belle of this sequel ball is Miranda. Carrie’s looks are too overboard at times, Samantha’s over exposed, Charlotte’s doing her stepford wife thing, nothing new there.
The Warriors: Didn’t catch the Zim vs Brazil game, but the tweeting commentary on Twitter was so real-time, i felt like I was at the National Sports Stadium! So we didn’t school the Samba Kings quite how we would have wanted to, but it was a great game and my country people had a lekker time. Wish I could have been there *sigh*
Thank Me When? So Drake’s album only drops in stores in 12 days time, i.e. a lifetime away, so i may have coerced very good friends in emailing me a few tracks. Now ordinarily i would feel bad, but Drake himself said, and i quote, “I gave away free music for years so we’re good over here...just allow it to be the soundtrack to your summer and ENJOY! June 15th!” And my current soundtrack it is, i will still buy the album when it drops, nothing like poring over album sleeves :-)
PS I’m super obsessed with his track, “November 18th” off his ‘So Far Gone’ mixtape, “Closer” from his ‘Comeback Season’ mixtape and “Karaoke” & “Un-thinkable” from his ‘Thank Me Later’ album...yes, i’m crushing hard on Aubrey.
Afriqan Times: World Cup teams have descended upon the city of Gold and this city will never be the same again! For the next month and a bit I will be reporting on all the WC excitement and activities on the ground over at my Afriqan Times blog. I’ll post links to that blog, over here so you don’t miss out on the going’s on.
Like here, I’m hoping you’ll overcome your shyness and drop a comment here and there (read: help make me look good people, lol).
Pay me a at The Afriqan Times here.
Keep smiling chickens, catch you back here real soon!