Monday, March 29, 2010

Window seat, please!

There’s nothing like clutching one’s boarding pass, getting on a plane and somewhere between take-off and the pinging and flashing of the “seat-belts” realising you’re travelling in a hunk of metal in the sky…

In THE SKY!!!!

This is round about the time when the soles of feet get real sweaty and l start plotting my exit strategy. Yes chickens, I plot exit strategies in THE SKY, anything from the more practical, “Errr, Vim there’s no exit strategy, you’re in THE SKY remember” to the, “So Edward from Twilight will come flying in and save me before the plane plunges to its doom.”

Given my various anxieties about airborne travel, nothing makes me more anxious than getting allocated the middle seat…nothing. Experience has taught me that nothing good can come out of being squished between two people in THE SKY. It’s all rather awkward, starting from the age-old debate of “Where exactly am I meant to place my arms if Tweedledee and Tweedledum are monopolising the arm rests” to the “I really want to sleep and now I can’t, ‘cause I will definitely end up trying to nuzzle down on one of these fools.” Lets not forget how sitting in the middle seat encourages people, on both sides, to engage you in meaningless conversation ranging from how Aunt Lydia’s hip replacement went to how Africa has changed their lives *cue eye-roll*.

My perfect seating set-up in a plane, aside from cruising in my very own Lear Jet with a personal masseuse, involves the middle seat being left vacant and me occupying the window seat…and the seats in-front and behind me, being vacant. This has never happened to me, but I live in hope. I have a feeling there will be a higher probability of this occuring once I upgrade from Cattle Class.

Aisle seats only make sense over long-haul flights, all that leg-room is quite necessary, however, for regional flights in sub-Saharan Africa you’d do well to stay well away from the aisle, ‘cause some of those air hostesses’ hips don’t lie. The few times I’ve been seated in that location, my shoulder and head have been taken out by some larger-than-life booties :-)

For your reading pleasure, i have compiled a brief list of my all-time greatest Flying Pet Peeves:

B.O. - Come on man, some daily bodily contact with water and soap isn’t so hard.

Miss Congeniality - So pretty and so damn nice, those air hostesses and stewards get on my last nerve. Yes, I’m hating. I wish I could look so poised 33,000ft in THE SKY.

Crap in-flight entertainment - Nothing to this day can top the screening of a Steven Seagal movie on an Air Zim flight to the East. It was priceless. It felt like I was catching a blockbuster in1993, when in fact it was 2005 *smh*

Almost Doesn’t Count: Never having got the opportunity to sit next to a bonafide hottie irks me to high heaven. I have a theory that I’ve been wanting to put to the test, it involves the theory that being seated up close and personal to eye-candy will alleviate my flying anxieties, hehehe.

Holla your flying peeves in the comments!


Lent is nearly over and I’m quite relieved about it. I’ve been accused, by many, of being out of the loop with reality and pop-culture due to my spiritual-hiatus away from Bookface and Twitter. I don’t know why they think I would be more clued-up on things like Michael Douglas starring in Wall Street 2 or recent terrorist attacks in Russia? That's not the kind of information you get on social networking sites. FB and Twitter would more than likely inform me of birthdays, break-ups or the bravado of die-hard [Insert English Premier League team name] fans …*sigh*, I’ve missed it all :-)

Random list of things making me smile:

Realising I still know ALL the words to MC Lyte’s rap in, “Keep on, keep, keeping on” and Coolio’s “Gangsta Paradise”

Zebra’s. Don’t ask. I just think they’re gorgeous.

Barack getting his Healthcare Bill passed. The resistant he met with, you’d think the man was making it mandatory for all Americans to consume liquid mercury!

People trying to make sense of Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” video. Quit while you're still ahead.

It being 71 Days till The FIFA World Cup, it’s going to be schweeeeeeeeeeeet.

Julius Malema heading to Zimbabwe to support Zim in its quest for economic independence *DEAD*. This man is a walking comedy, to say the least.

Mad Men: Why didn’t anyone tell me about this show sooner. That Don Draper, mmmmmh, he does things to me.


Enjoy your four day working week chickens.

Reach out and spread the Love,

V x


kookie said...

Yayyyy Jesus heard my prayer! lol

Its about time. Ok Mad men, I have a confession I only started watching it because of the clothes (superficial I know) but I'm so late in the game I can't find season 1 anywhere (read for free on the internet).

Pet peeve.. flying with your Aunt flow is the worst. I seriously plan flights around it.

Seated near noisy kids and your flight is 14 hrs...Take me now Jesus!

The one time I praised Jesus was flying home. Mel to Perth it was packed! Perth to JHB all these people file out and there were empty seats everywhere. I slept the best I have ever slept on a flight from Perth to JHB that I'm convinced first class and only first class will ever satisfy me.

As for MC Lyte ...GET OUT!! I was obsessed as a youngin with that song and Have you ever. Ok let me not lie the ENTIRE Bad as I wanna Be album was an obsession!

Vimbai said...

The clothes in Mad Men are off the hinges. Kooks, there must be free copies of Season 1 on the webs somewhere, bra, you need to start at the beginning.

How could i forget noisy kids! Or kids kicking the back of seat all through the flight, argggh.

MC Lyte was off the one man! I was having a 90's catch-up session last night :-)

Funms-the rebirth said...

for a second, i thought u were gonna blog about Erykah Badu's

I miss u on twitter. u, kooks and shona feeling like good lent keepers while i feel like d devil

Vimbai said...

I'm dying to see that video! Read about it on Kookie's blog and then CNN did a bit on it, trust Ms B to push the boundaries man!

You're a trooper for holding fort Funms, we'll all be soon as i can confirm when exactly Lent ends?

Is it at 3pm on Good Friday or Easter Sunday? (Yes, i know i should already know this, but i don't and Google doesn't either!)

Myne Whitman said...

I also thought at first it was about the much debated video. That lady has one wicked ass men, if she added more weight, she could compete with the booties you spoofed in your write-up, lol.

I love window seats too and my pet peeve is crying or over exuberant children. God help me when I have some. *praying*

Talkoum said...

pet peeve: when my meal preference runs out
flying fantasy: and yes i am still waiting to be sat by a hot single male spawn of 'THE ROCK' so I can fall asleep on his shoulder. The END

kookie said...

hmmm V, asi you are planning on returning to twitter by 3.01pm Good Friday? lol

By the way once you find out holla @ a sister because I also need to know! I thought Easter Sunday for sure but if I can get away with ending Lent by Good Friday...why not?

Shona Vixen said...

LOL @ Kooks and Vimbai...shame on you two..trying to get back on Twitter @ luvvies Lent ends on Saturday so you're going to be (note this was said with authority and all..'going to' u on Twitter on Sunday morning...yes I intend to spend Sunday on Twitter!! Gosh how I've missed Twitter and False Book!

Ok thanks to you Vimbai I'm now doing my best MC Lyte rap..this first line always does it for me 'B-Boy, where the f*** you at?
I been looking for your a** since a quarter past'. Whenever she'd be on Half&Half I always sang that song..couldn't get past her as a rapper!

Vimbai said...

@Myne: I just can't believe that she'd start stripping down in front of kiddies, that Ms Badu *smh*.

@Talkoum: LOL@ meal preferences running out! Seriously, everyone knows that chicken trumps beef everytime! As for you and The Spawn of The Rock, i'm praying for you girl, praying hard!

@kookie: That was exactly my plan, at 3:01:01pm i would find myself on Twitter, catching up with all i've missed. Manje, my internet research has made me even more confused with publications that Lent ends on Easter Saturday!

I think i'm gonna go with Easter Sunday at this rate, just to be sure neh!

Super star! said...

pet peeve: ETHOPIAN AIR, by all means avoid, once after an ad-hoc trip i found myself in Dubai- and having to travel to an African city- where all airlines have been banned except for a couple of African airlines i really did not have a choice....i was going to a funeral after all.

I am sure most have been to Mbare Msika ( african market place) in the 80's during the festive season. Gate number 256, boarding Ethiopia airlines was munificent and replete with the goings on synonymous with Mbare in the 80's.

Indeed i waited until the chaos had cleared and i was one of the last to board. Grasping my ticket in hand i made my way to my seat. My seat was occupied and none could help or offer an apology. I had the acute misfortune of then sitting right next to the bathroom.

Indeed it was a misfortune, as even before the plane had left the ground, an extremely foul smell came my way. I thought it best to intimate this misgiving to the head flight attendant- she only sniggered.

Suffice to say this was the most uncomfortable journey ever. My grand mother's scotch cart in Lalapanzi has better comfort. I should mention though the rather unusual delay in reaching our destination. It became apparent we were circling Addis Ababa airport and the weather was good enough for us to land. I did not want to miss my connecting flight so i politely asked the flight attendant what was happening. She then explained to me that the African Movie was still showing, and having learnt the wrath in past experiences it was better to delay landing until the African movie had ended. My agony was extended by another hour.

Vimbai said...

@Shona: Finally! A voice of reason and clarity in the wilderness, bra, we were getting confused about this Lent indaba! Saka Shona & Kooks, it's a date ka, on Easter Sunday :-)

The opening line of that MC Lyte song is a killah! I remember my sister and i taping it off Hitsville, and copying down the lyrics line by line (rewind, fastforward, rewind etc) until we'd perfected the whole rap:"Hot peas and butter baby/come and get your supper/before i make you suffer"

Talking about random oldie tunes,the other day, Terence Trent D'arby's, "Sign your name across my heart" was blasting loud in my local supermarket and it made me wonder who's in charge of shopping beats in that establishment, lol.

Shona Vixen said...

ps: I haven't watched Lady Gaga's Telephone video to the end...I just can't flip the channel whenever it comes the french would say 'elle est gaga' yep to me she's plain crazy, nothing about individuality, hidden message blah blah blah, great voice but one fruit cake!!lol

Shona Vixen said...

@Vimbai - its most definitely a date on Sunday!!! Girl, last nite I heard a Dalom Kids song and eish, eish, eish I remembered how my brothers and I (and me thinks other Shona kids)had their own Shona version for Ndincedeni..opening line our version was 'Handina mari yekuendesa bhebhi kwaPepe Kalle'..*DEADED*

Vimbai said...

@Super: *DEAD* @ you're having to wait till the movie is over for the flight to land...haaaaaaa, i'm just weak now, lol. Then again, the tales i've been told of Air Ethopia ka, i really shouldn't be surprised.

As for being seated next to stinky toilet, eish bra, my deepest heartfelt apologies!

LOL @ "your grandmother's scotch cart" comment...i love me a rickety scotch-cart :-)

Random sidenote: I finally managed to find the brand that made the "I love Africa" bag that your Blog Muse is sporting in one of your Edinburgh shots. Those bags are HAWT mheni.

@Shona: Heeeeeeeee, remix!!!!! Let's not even start with Shona remixes of well known songs, whenever i hear tracks like Informer, all i can think of is "Informer, mbudzi inochema ichiti-mweeeeeeeeeeh"

Gaga i can excuse in the video, but Bey, haaaa, i know she's trying to extend her appeal to all markets and push the boundary...but she's not convincing in the video, not convincing at all!

Shona Vixen said...

@Super - deaded!! Waiting for the African movie to finish!!lol!!

@Vimbai -girl don't even start with the Informer version!!lol!!Pump up the jam was another one - mupunk hadye jam!!lol!!ok I'll stop just that the server is down @ worker so your blog is where I'm running to, I refuse to do the filing in my tray!!

Super star! said...

@ V, really? who makes the bags?

kookie said...

Runs in singing: Informer, balahamabamagabadan. I'll icky boom boom down!!!

P.s Shona and V please don't judge me when you find I've been there for a whole 6 hours before you two...remember time difference

Vimbai said...

@Shona: Look at you making excuses about stopping by my gym, server not working chichacho...the lady doth protest too much! Get to that filing!

@Super: The label "Dillon and Jada" who have stuff in all the major SA airports.

@Kooks: Boo to time difference, it will be liking walking into a party only to find you (Kooks) has dominated the food, drinks and hotties table *smh*

Shona Vixen said...

@K - would it be wrong if I logged on 6hrs early because my mind will be in Ozz???

kookie said...

Um... Dear Shona your noticeable attempts at dodging the system have been sighted and applauded. Why yes...6hrs early is alright by me!

Ok seriously I shall wait till you peoples time and not eat all the food, drink the viceroy and kiss the stud UNTIL you guys get there.

I expect exceptional tweeting as a trade off though. Don't make me wait and you guys come on to tweet about a broken nail.

Shona Vixen said...

lol @broken nail!!! Yay, will be over there come midnite early Sunday morn so see ya there boos

Jaycee said...

Thought I was the only one hating on air hostesses...they're like air-bound supermodels or somn. Lol. First time here...nice blog!

Enchante said...

LOL V @ flight attendants, what totally annoys me is when after a 10 hour flight you are looking like godzilla and she is nicely coiffed and looks like she has just stepped out of the shower yet she was on her feet more than you! nxa!though i must say i once came across a heart-stopping, ears-burning, dumb-founding georgeous steward on Kenyan airways, his face is still imprinted on my mind.

i know you have mentioned middle seat as a no-no, now imagine middle seat, in between two absolutely huge, no FAT men for 10 hours, i almost died honestly i almost did!

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