Friday, January 29, 2010

Bend me, Shape me....

I've been getting into a lot of trouble these days...not picking up calls or answering smses after 8pm, going AWOL mid-BBM chats. Now i could blame all this rather suspicious on taking up with a Latino lover who bears a striking resemblence to Adrian Grenier and answers to "Raul" but yah, it's not that exciting...

I joined the gym.

Now if you've followed my blog for a bit or know me personally, you'll know that if there's anyone who's ever given bad press about gymnasiums' and their ilk, it has been me. Having had a bad run in with one of Richard Branson's instituitions a few years back left a very sour taste in my mouth. I wanted nothing to do with such places. I ridiculed friends, family and colleagues who signed-up with them...i made a point of voicing (quite loudly too) to anyone who'd listen how i kept fit with having to join a cult.

The truth is, i've never been one for exercise of any kind and it's worked well for me. Mama and Papa blessed me some fantastic genes, such that i've spent an odd 20 plus years on this earth looking like i wake up and run 30km in the morning without doing a damn thing.

However, reality sunk in after a mild health scare during the hols and a few trips to fitting rooms across Joburg hit home that a bit of maintenance is needed. Something a little more structured than my odd Carmen Electra "Striptease" aerobic DVD workout.

With my foot firmly lodged down my throat, i paid the gym a visit and signed up. It's been about two weeks so far and i feel good about my choice.

Let me share a few things i've observed and discovered during my trips to the gym:

1. If i ever need to get a really good boob job i'd ask the chicks who bob about in the front row of my intense aerobics class who hooked them up with theirs. Never have i seen boobs so unshakeable. They don't move. Now a quick squiz around the class confirmed my original thinking, that boobs are meant to wriggle around when one is jumping, no matter the strength of your gym-bra.

2. People put a great deal of thought into what they wear to the gym. Matching tops, matching pants, matching trainers. Heaven forbid should you mix Brand names, tsk tsk, everyone knows that when it comes to Nike and Reebok, never the twain should meet.

3. Vying for a tie with the sterotypical car salesman is the gym consultant. Never have i had to haggle for a reasonably priced gym subscription like i did when i was signing up. Gym subscriptions are right up there with hotel room rates and airline tickets...there's never one price. You then have to call their bluff, threaten to go to the competition and call up a friend (in front of them) to confirm what they're paying in comparison to what the sleezy gym consultant is offering.

All that bargaining is a workout in itself.

4. 85% of people who attend the gym don't look like they should be there. They're super skinny and working so diligently (bless their cotton socks) and all i want to do is go up to them and say, "It's okay, you look can take it down a notch now."

5. This may be a very South African specific situation but i've noticed that the classes taken by black trainers are mostly made up of black gym goers, and vice versa for classes taken by white trainers. *smh*

6. Some ladies work out in the gym complete with a full face of make-up. Now the least they could do is ensure their mascara is waterproof to avoid that Salvador Dali "Melted Clocks" effect.

7. For the unattached and willing to mingle, the gym is prime hunting ground. The pheromones in the air mingled with all that puffed out chest prancing from the fellas and suggestive front bends and squats from the ladies is bound to end up in liaisons of a sweaty kind.

8. Never underestimate the frail looking old man next to you in yoga, he's definitely more flexible than you and can execute a perfect downward dog position and back-bend. True story.

9. All those sweat inducing workouts reek havoc with black hair. I'm walking around with a frizzball similar to that sported by Big Bird in Sesame Street. Any suggestions on what i can do ladies (short of going bald).

10. Endorphins feel good...real good.

Holla your thoughts in the comments chickens


Random Thoughts:

Haters, & I made myself so easy to love *jay-z voice*: The UK and Germany need to slow their row with the bad press they keep giving South Africa 130 days before the World Cup. There is awareness...and then there is scaring the bejesus out of people. Yes, SA has its fair share of crime and the lot, but if you stay vigilant and don't do that stupid naive touristy stuff of wandering into dark alley's then you'll be aight.

If the world wasn't such a Media-whore:

a) Tiger and Elin would have probably reconciled a whole lot faster. But now he's made a fool of himself on a global scale and humilated his wife in the process. Instead of only her closest friends and family asking "Whatchu gonna do girl?", the whole world is doing the same. Pressure.

b) Those Kardashian's would be working a 9 to 5 in a fast food outlet somewhere.

c) The world would be fixated on more important things like World Hunger, Poverty and Climate Change. Not, which wife is Jacob Zuma on.

Birdies & Eagles & other Feathery Pursuits: I've taken up golf...again. In my previous life i had a golf instructor who was a tyrant at best. His lessons would last 3 - 4 hrs at a time, i would leave with blisters on my fingers. He wasn't so nice, effective in a way...but not so nice.

I managed to score myself free golf lessons with a pro and the game is actually more enjoyable this time around.

I'm tempted to make a Tiger Woods joke right about now, but i don't think it would be appropriate....hehehehehe.

Special shoutout: It's my mummy's birthday today. I love the is woman. We've had our ups and downs as all mother-daughter relationships have had, but i know when i'm low she'll console me and when i'm excited she'll cheer me on. There is no more self-less person i know. She's my greatest example and if i'm half the person she's been and is, in this lifetime, i'll be alright.

Happy birthday Mum!


Happy weekend chickens!

Celebrate Life and be the change you want to see.

V x


Super star! said...

Good on you for going to the gym, excess weight on a woman is like a half metamorphosed caterpillar- nothing gracious there.

How far have you gone with Francine Rivers- Redeeming love? The sheer research that goes into this woman's works is astonishing. You have rightly scored a brownie point with that one!

Sekuru VaTawanda said...

Great to hear that you are working out - you'll enjoy the dividends in the future.

vim I'm very upset with you. Who are you to blog about things that I'm thinking about before I even blog about them. I was thinking about doing a rant post on foobs (fake boobs), but now if I blog about them, people will think that i'm dubbing your blog!

but what the heck! I'm doing it...

Tisha said...

don't answer no calls after 11pm. call me at night and i screen out your no. xcept i know you real well, then i make a sacrifice.

Anonymous said...

You speak the truth, the trainer who takes one of my gym classes is tiny looks amazing but on thing that caught my eye was that her boobs really don't move, but she says that we'll all get a body like hers if we just keep at it with classes, but I don't know.

Shona said...

This blog now has comment regulations but still FIRST!!

Shona said...

That explains you leaving me hanging on BB Chat!!
Well, I havent been to the gym EVER but have been to dance classes and now its all about pole dancing...
Its so true Tiger might still be the darling family golf man *did i just put darling and Tiger in the same sentence?*, The Kardashians well...its so not true about bad press being better than no press at all coz see how they're trying to tarnish SA!
Sha-a I have so many things I want to say but terrible headache I just cant seem to focus...

Andrea said...

First of all the title on your post made me laugh. I was been naughty.,.anyhoo,, happy birthday to mama vim..

Myne Whitman said...

Gyming is great and those endorphins can be addictive lol. I'm working out too and the small results make me continue.

Happy birthday to your mum too.

Vimbai said...

@Super: I'm done with the book. It was my first foray into decent Christian literature and I'm quite impressed. The lady writes with heart and conviction! I'll look for more of her stuff.

@SVT: I loved your piece on foobs, like Kooks asked, just how many foobs have you encountered in your vast travels?

@Tisha: For real, peeps shouldn't even try to mess with the sleep factor unless it's a matter of life or death.

@MBLS: Lol, reminds me of doing Jane Fonda's aerobic videos back in the day only for it to materialise that she'd had a rib removed and lots of lipo. Talk about lying to the naïve masses.

Vimbai said...

@Shona: Pole-dancing is it! I hear it's not quite as easy as dem strippers make it seem. When we all move back to zim you should open an alternative dance class, hehehe.

@Andrea: Missy get your head outta the gutter, lol. I see someone's hormones are doing their thing, lol.

@Myne: I personally think that gyming is gonna make me fat, I'm so hungry all the time now. How do I stop feeling ravenous?

Anonymous said...

I also joined the gym on the 4th of January (twas a new years resolution)and m loving it..It feels good to b working out..and you are sooo right, fashion galore even at the gym..This chick has matching bags even...Talk bout planning your gym wardrobe....

Oh and as always some men just come to stare more like stalk us when we r flexing...sies mannn.

You should try spinning and let me know how u feel afterwards...First day wen i was new and eager and extremely unfit i decided to try out the spin class....bad decision..left halfway and the instructor was not impressed..dont know why though since im the one paying for it....

Hadassah said...

No gym for me mayb later this year just have to do with wht I have at home when it comes to exerises

munhu said...

while on the topic of Francine Rivers - A Lineage of Grace is her crowning glory...highly recommend.
Happy Birthday to your momz.
Enjoy gym - given the spare tire I carry around my mid-riff (in case of Joburg potholes) I should be there potholes or not!!

Vimbai said...

@Anon: I have heard and seen horror stories. I wouldn't last a minute.

Matching bags! Inga, i wish i had the wardrobe for such coordination.

Good to hear someone else is on the fitness track for 2010 :-)

Teshyah said...

LOL, Vimbz this gym topic is quite sensitive, excuse me as I rant out my frustrations
NB-Long comment
I have never been to the gym or taken any sort of diet! I have always been told "no you are well rounded!" And i have had aunts that would say too me "men want women with bums, and your body is very nice" People, I have been chubby all my life coz i have been told its cute, now it aint coz its all over my tummy. My tummy freaking folds in three parts when I sit down.

But nooooo, "a black woman should have a little bit of flesh on their bone (ofwhich mine is already big). If I put more flesh on this bone, I will start looking like a big piece of rump!!

Hanzi what will people say if you lose weight, hanzi people will think that you are sick. Hanzi mukadzi akasvika should carry a big ass ass! Hanzi when you go back home people will think kuti murikutambura kuJobheki!

So now I have been heavily burdened, excuse the pun, with this weight all my life. I am a whooping size 36 going 38. I am tormented by my dead aunts voices in my head begging me to not lose weight or else ndozo tanda botso. This is me...afraid to lose weight for the fear of the unknown. I have never seen myself thin and i am scared to not eat..
spur freaking buffalo wings dudes!!

Do we have an Anty Rhoda to help?

kookie said...

Vim ka do you have some sort of direct line to my life? My mummy was born in Feb too..Happy Birthday to yours! I was contemplating writing up a blog post about Boris today but my arms, thighs and legs are aching so much Im having second thoughts about my get fit 2010 campaign.

Oh and my hair...I was trying to explain to Boris that my afro was now not a choice but a by product of 3hrs a day exercise.

As for Jacob Zuma...*sigh* can he be a worse reflection on Africa? let alone South Africa really? He seems to spend more time wooing his next wife than on policies.

Vimbai said...

@Hadassah: Honey, no pressure for you. Carrying your baby around will help you get amazing triceps and biceps in not time.

@Munhu: Are you walking around jozi looking like a BEE brotha with that spare tyre around your mid-riff, hehehe.

I will check out the Francine Rivers book you recommended, this chick sheds new light on bible stories that i;d grown to find old and stuff (there are only somany times you can read the same story innit)

@Teshyah: Musikana, you made me LOL in the office. Your late tete must be squealing with delight from the heavens that she managed to convince you so thoroughly not to lose weight.

I suggest 12 sessions of hypnotherapy to drown out Tete's voice and then for you to hit the gym fast ek se.

Don't you love how consistent Zimbo's are...the minute you lose any weight there's widespread panic that you are dying or living an impoverished lifestyle.

Oh and African men don't mind a lady who hits the gym...just don't become skin and bones....and that your bum still jiggles a bit.

@Kookie: I have a direct line honey, the parallels between our lives are getting harder to ignore, hehehe.

I wish i had a Boris, i would be getting fitter faster i think. As for the hair situation, i just don't know's stressing me out.

JZ, JZ, JZ...that man, where does he find the time to marry women, knock up others AND run a country.

Super star! said...

@ Munhu, good on you mate. Francine is great. The best of her works and utterly unflinching detail is "Mark of the Lion series".

@Teshya. Please go to the gym.

Teshyah said...

@ Vimbs, my sister, my mother and all them people I didnt have a choice choosing to be related to me (damn it) always say to me "I dont think you will look nice skinny". I swear I see them in my head toi toing with banners and posters declaring 'mo cushion for the pushin on Teshyah'.
Boyfriend thinks its funny that my rolls are grabable and makes sure that he tells me repeatedly "usdudla sthandwa sami" while pulling em rolls. If I was weight nuts I would have dumped his Zulu ass long time but hey he got it bad, lets leave it at that ;)

@S.S.- There actually isnt a gym close to me. Vadzimu always make me stay very far away from them gyms. I promise I am beginin 2 think I was cursed to be fat!

Sekuru VaTawanda said...

@vim: Its just general knowledge! Never ask questions you can't get honest answers to... LOL...Next time you ask that question I'll tell you kuti just one pair!

Anonymous said...

Teshyah! You're killing me! Aish if only there was an Aunty Rhoda, I would kill for people to tell me not to lose weight! It's better than being told to lose weight? LOL

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