Friday, January 29, 2010

Bend me, Shape me....

I've been getting into a lot of trouble these days...not picking up calls or answering smses after 8pm, going AWOL mid-BBM chats. Now i could blame all this rather suspicious on taking up with a Latino lover who bears a striking resemblence to Adrian Grenier and answers to "Raul" but yah, it's not that exciting...

I joined the gym.

Now if you've followed my blog for a bit or know me personally, you'll know that if there's anyone who's ever given bad press about gymnasiums' and their ilk, it has been me. Having had a bad run in with one of Richard Branson's instituitions a few years back left a very sour taste in my mouth. I wanted nothing to do with such places. I ridiculed friends, family and colleagues who signed-up with them...i made a point of voicing (quite loudly too) to anyone who'd listen how i kept fit with having to join a cult.

The truth is, i've never been one for exercise of any kind and it's worked well for me. Mama and Papa blessed me some fantastic genes, such that i've spent an odd 20 plus years on this earth looking like i wake up and run 30km in the morning without doing a damn thing.

However, reality sunk in after a mild health scare during the hols and a few trips to fitting rooms across Joburg hit home that a bit of maintenance is needed. Something a little more structured than my odd Carmen Electra "Striptease" aerobic DVD workout.

With my foot firmly lodged down my throat, i paid the gym a visit and signed up. It's been about two weeks so far and i feel good about my choice.

Let me share a few things i've observed and discovered during my trips to the gym:

1. If i ever need to get a really good boob job i'd ask the chicks who bob about in the front row of my intense aerobics class who hooked them up with theirs. Never have i seen boobs so unshakeable. They don't move. Now a quick squiz around the class confirmed my original thinking, that boobs are meant to wriggle around when one is jumping, no matter the strength of your gym-bra.

2. People put a great deal of thought into what they wear to the gym. Matching tops, matching pants, matching trainers. Heaven forbid should you mix Brand names, tsk tsk, everyone knows that when it comes to Nike and Reebok, never the twain should meet.

3. Vying for a tie with the sterotypical car salesman is the gym consultant. Never have i had to haggle for a reasonably priced gym subscription like i did when i was signing up. Gym subscriptions are right up there with hotel room rates and airline tickets...there's never one price. You then have to call their bluff, threaten to go to the competition and call up a friend (in front of them) to confirm what they're paying in comparison to what the sleezy gym consultant is offering.

All that bargaining is a workout in itself.

4. 85% of people who attend the gym don't look like they should be there. They're super skinny and working so diligently (bless their cotton socks) and all i want to do is go up to them and say, "It's okay, you look can take it down a notch now."

5. This may be a very South African specific situation but i've noticed that the classes taken by black trainers are mostly made up of black gym goers, and vice versa for classes taken by white trainers. *smh*

6. Some ladies work out in the gym complete with a full face of make-up. Now the least they could do is ensure their mascara is waterproof to avoid that Salvador Dali "Melted Clocks" effect.

7. For the unattached and willing to mingle, the gym is prime hunting ground. The pheromones in the air mingled with all that puffed out chest prancing from the fellas and suggestive front bends and squats from the ladies is bound to end up in liaisons of a sweaty kind.

8. Never underestimate the frail looking old man next to you in yoga, he's definitely more flexible than you and can execute a perfect downward dog position and back-bend. True story.

9. All those sweat inducing workouts reek havoc with black hair. I'm walking around with a frizzball similar to that sported by Big Bird in Sesame Street. Any suggestions on what i can do ladies (short of going bald).

10. Endorphins feel good...real good.

Holla your thoughts in the comments chickens


Random Thoughts:

Haters, & I made myself so easy to love *jay-z voice*: The UK and Germany need to slow their row with the bad press they keep giving South Africa 130 days before the World Cup. There is awareness...and then there is scaring the bejesus out of people. Yes, SA has its fair share of crime and the lot, but if you stay vigilant and don't do that stupid naive touristy stuff of wandering into dark alley's then you'll be aight.

If the world wasn't such a Media-whore:

a) Tiger and Elin would have probably reconciled a whole lot faster. But now he's made a fool of himself on a global scale and humilated his wife in the process. Instead of only her closest friends and family asking "Whatchu gonna do girl?", the whole world is doing the same. Pressure.

b) Those Kardashian's would be working a 9 to 5 in a fast food outlet somewhere.

c) The world would be fixated on more important things like World Hunger, Poverty and Climate Change. Not, which wife is Jacob Zuma on.

Birdies & Eagles & other Feathery Pursuits: I've taken up golf...again. In my previous life i had a golf instructor who was a tyrant at best. His lessons would last 3 - 4 hrs at a time, i would leave with blisters on my fingers. He wasn't so nice, effective in a way...but not so nice.

I managed to score myself free golf lessons with a pro and the game is actually more enjoyable this time around.

I'm tempted to make a Tiger Woods joke right about now, but i don't think it would be appropriate....hehehehehe.

Special shoutout: It's my mummy's birthday today. I love the is woman. We've had our ups and downs as all mother-daughter relationships have had, but i know when i'm low she'll console me and when i'm excited she'll cheer me on. There is no more self-less person i know. She's my greatest example and if i'm half the person she's been and is, in this lifetime, i'll be alright.

Happy birthday Mum!


Happy weekend chickens!

Celebrate Life and be the change you want to see.

V x

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Gone Too Soon

It's been a rough 24 hours...

It's not easy to make sense of that which appears senseless.

This year is so sad...Haiti...more earthquakes....Ethiopian Airlines...and now this.

I keep rehashing past conversations, i keep thinking about the last time i saw him...New Years Eve. I was in the club, he was outside. We were lip-reading through the glass windows, he said he was coming in and i said i'd speak to him when he did.

I never saw him again.

In the last days, he was active on retrospect, maybe a bit too active. It was only last week him and i were having a philosophical debate relating on to one of obversations on life. I re-read the back-and-forth, looking for a sign...a hint.

I wasn't his closest friend, not by a long shot, he was beloved by many. But a friend i did consider him. I knew he'd been through a lot over the years but never did i think it would come to this.

In this instant, there is not beauty in hindsight. Instead there are questions, the re-living of every last moment...last conversation...last expression to find a clue, any clue.

I hate Facebook today.
I hate its efficiency at delivering the saddest news.
I hate that you had updated your profile, as though you had planned it all along...had you?
I hate that we have so many questions, and no answers.
I hate that it wasn't a mistake, that it was all true, you were gone.
I hate that you were so sad, so tormented, so desperate that you resorted to this.
I hate that nobody could help in time.

Your parents have lost a son
Your siblings have lost a brother
Your son has lost a father
Your partner has lost a lover

And we, who loved you too.
We have lost a friend.

Sleep easy Thulani


"How To Save A Life"

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And I pray to God he hears you
And I pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

Monday, January 18, 2010

No theme here, just loads of rambling

Bruises, dark ones are featuring on my right leg and i have no memory of how i got them.

Now the swollen red skin on my right chin that hurts like a joke, that i remember gettting. Saturday evening was fun, a little too much fun. So much fun in fact that i unknowingly walked into a mini stage with a dancing pole on it, stationed smackdab in the middle of the dancefloor.

Nooooo, i hadn't drunk that much, okay maybe i did, but the reason i didn't see the damn stage was cause someone in the club was having loads and loads of fun with the smoke-making machine and nobody could see anything anyway.

This all doesn't explain the bruises though...hope i wasn't sleep walking again, mmmh.

How are you doing chickens?

This is going to be one of those long rambling posts, so bear with me as i spew forth a whole lot of something that's mostly nothing:

News Ban: I'm staying far away from CNN, Sky, BBC and newspapers. Tearing up by one's desk by 8:15am is just not the way to start the day. I just can't make emotional sense of all the strewn dead bodies on the streets of Haiti, it's's's inhumane! I feel like one of those people who slows down to check out a car accident and then gets upset when they see something they didnt want to see in the first place!

So a news diet is definitely in order.

Getting Old Much? There were awards on last night? Golden Globe awards so hear? Julia Roberts supposedly made history by delivering the longest acceptance speech in the history of awards? Errr, so i missed all that AND am okay with that.

How far we have come, i guess this is what they call growing up. Well, i kinda like it.

Hypothetical Arguments about Hypothetical Scenarios: Have you ever watched a movie with Brendan Fraser called, "Twilight of The Golds"? No, well let me give you a brief synopsis. The whole premise of the movie is that Brendan Fraser's character is an openly gay man who's very close to his pregnant sister who in turn is married to a man who has just discovered the gene that causes homosexuality.

Still with me?

Anywho, the Doctor dude decides to test his unborn child for the gene and guess what, the soon-to-be kid tests positive for the gene and that's when things get interesting. The Doctor is pressuring his wife to abort, the wife's brother (Brendan) is severly hurt that she would consider going through with it 'cause in some twisted way it means she's saying he should never have lived. It's pure drama.

So where am i going with this? Well, i posed the question forth to some heterosexual males, "What would you do if your only son or daughter turned out to be gay?"

Eh, African males are the most homophobic bunch i have EVER met! All of sudden there was talk of disowning children, disinheritance and people getting exiled. *DEAD*

Even worse, why did i proceed to burst into tears on hearing this (those damn hormones), i mean, this is your child. Yes, you may not approve of their lifestyle but come on, disowning he-re???!

I would like to hear your thoughts on the topic, holla away in the comments.

Speaking of Comments: I've had to put on the Comment Moderation setting because i got tired of deleting the dubious spam comments unrelated to any of the posts i've written. I'm quite ticked off that it's come to this, as it disrupts the flow of banter back and forth, but it has to be done.

Real-time Television - It's the Future: You heard it here first, i hereby decree that in future all popular television shows (e.g. Grey's Anatomy, Dexter, GG, True Blood) will be shown at the same time all over the world, thus curbing the need for people to illegally download their favourite episodes as they aren't prepared to wait a whole year for their local networks/broadcasters to negotiate and get that season. That way, people who love to upload spoiler FB statuses like, "Oh wow, can't believe they finally killed X and that Y and Z are hooking up" won't ruin our fun.

Valentines: Have y'all started your campaigning for "anonymous" admirers to send you "surprise" bouquets of some common flora? Ladies, this year lets hook up the Gents! A little role reversal never hurt nobody *dirty wink*

Drop it like its hot: Alicia Keys is a crafty one that one, hooking up with Swizz Beatz and all. Lets not lie here, the beat is what makes a song. Now this is rich, coming from me, the most lyrically orientated person ever, but even a heavy beat can save a lyrically-weak song...and one of my favourite songs at the moment fits that description to a "T".

Play Fiddy's "Baby By Me'" and for three minutes, it's over! That track does t'ings to me. There are a lot of songs that have that effect on me, but i wanna hear what track currently get's your pulse racing like [enter the name of current perve interest] just walked into the room.

Holla back!


Okay i'm done rambling...for now anyway. Let me go and find something to chow for lunch.

Have an awesome start of the week chickens!


V x

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Even the darkest day...

If you’re like me then you’ve probably done your head in wondering that if everything happens for a purpose, like we’re told it is, then what’s the purpose of natural disasters like the earthquake that struck Haiti and has left so many dead, injured and homeless.






*smh* I don’t know man, its just too much for my human mind to take in and resolve.

But my heart, now my heart asks me to look beyond the sorrow, grief and ugliness…it tells me to look into the darkness to see what it sees and hear what it hears.

And that's when...

I see my Twitter timeline chocker-block full of people’s prayers, aid requests and information as to how help.

I see normal people doing great things.

I hear of those with a lot…be it money, influence, compassion or practical skills giving of themselves selflessly to assist.

I see the world acting like a village and rushing to aid their own.

I hear the heavens ricocheting with the collective prayers of the world.

That’s when I know….

Even the darkest day must give way to the brightest lights.

Pay a visit to a link my girl Kookie suggested that provides details as to how you and I can make a difference.

Keep safe and blessed chickens…wherever you are.


V x

Monday, January 11, 2010

A Monday-Back-To-Work-Argh-Crap State of Mind

Nothing like the first day back at work, after a good three weeks off. to derail you from every good intention and resolution you may have come up with.

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak.

That said, i refuse for the first day...week...heck the whole year to derail me from my plans. I just need to get through the next few hours and i'll be dandy :-)

Things on my mind (in no order of priority):

Fiddy Has A Point: I'm scared to check my banking details online...real scared. I know what i'll see and the thought of that alone is enough to have me agreeing with Fiddy's philosophy, "Have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire." The first few months of this year are going to be spent cleaning up the damage committed in the last few weeks of last year. Bad Vim, bad!

Compliments...really: I really hate the expression, "Compliments for the New Year". What compliments? Whose Compliments? I've heard that greeting no less than five times this morning alone. It makes the hairs on my neck stand up, don't ask. Oh and when can we stop wishing people a Happy New Year...this year is already getting long in the tooth, am just saying.

Biting the Bullet: It has to be must be done...and yet i can't bring myself to join the damn gym. I don't particular care that i've put on the seasonal 3 kg's compliments of mama's cooking and the random food bingeing that occurs during the festive period. Nope, what really got me was the lecture from the well meaning ER doctor explaining to me that my lungs really need exercise or he'll be seeing more of me...phooey.

WTF: The Togo soccer team got shot at...the Sri-Lankin cricket team got shot at...why are people making political statements by shooting at sports teams? Sports is meant to be the great equaliser (right up there with alcohol and inflation). Tis a sad, sad day indeed.

Biltong: Mmmmmmmmh. 'Nuff said.


I was home in H-town over the December hols and came up with a few rules, so to speak, for diasporans to maximise on joy and good times in the Sunshine City:

  1. There's always a mission: Remember this rule, memorise it, 'cause you'll definitely need to call on it when you find yourself twiddling your thumbs and looking for some fun times. Not that fun and missions are scarce, no siree, its just that you need to make a bit more of an effort to find them. Only the brave and tenacious are rewarded in such instances - Asipo, haapo!

  2. Don't take yourself too seriously: Natives of my land have been known to get caught up in the whole "scene", what scene you may ask? Good question, 'cause i have no idea who we are meant to be keeping up appearances too. Now if you let go just a little bit and are open to a bit of fun that may border on the ridiculous (impromptu dance competitions and the like) you may actually find yourself have a bit of a giggle and, dare i say it, some fun.

  3. Be flexible: When diasporans venture home, they all want to recapture the nostalgia of yesteryear. If you are one of these people, you're going to be in for a bit of a rude shock. We are the nation that is attributed with having had a currency that changed on a weekly basis, flexibity is our middle name. Now if the good waitress at The Italian Bakery tells you they aren't serving Malawi Shady, no sweat, if you smile sweetly...or plead, she'll make you something similar that's pretty damn good anyway.
  4. Some things never
    Okay, yes things tend to be in a state of constant flux but you'll be surprised at somethings that never seem to change. e.g. Keg barmaids (buxom they may not be but constant they are) and Bob's motorcade passing The Keg on Borrowdale Road at 7:05pm every day without fail - m'dara is working late these days.

  5. You learn a new thing everyday: I had never heard of a USD$2 , or seen one till this holiday. They're supposedly legit, but there you have it, who'd have thunk.

There you have it folks, gems from my travels up North.

Feel free to share any holiday gems or mantras you discovered over your hols. Holla in the comments!

Have an awesome Monday chickens, we've only got another 40-odd left in the year, lol.


V x

Monday, January 04, 2010

2010: 94 hours in and it's looking good

Ola chickens!

Welcome to the most anticipated year this decade (mmmh, for some reason that line reads in a very redundant way, lol)

If this year could be personified it would be like a Williams sister in the Wimbledon semi-finals, Tiger at the Masters, Usain at the Olympics, Lewis at some major Grand Prix…this year has a lot to prove and I kinda feel sorry for it.

On this side of the hemisphere we are all living and breathing the FIFA 2010 World Cup fever like you can’t believe. I’m excited, the worlds excited…it’s just darn exciting…but, I can’t help but feel that this event is being treated like a wedding of sorts.

Everyone is so fixated with the big day (in this particular analogy, the big month) that I’m actually quite scared of the post-event withdrawal symptoms we’re all going to be feeling once it’s all over. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, until then, bring on the hype!

What about them new year resolutions?

What about them indeed. I spent the whole holiday scribbling up an impossible to do list about what I need to do, change and address and just the thought of it makes me want to take a fistful of Valium*

Doing too much is as about as constructive as doing nothing at all, why start the year with setting yourself for failure? Instead that neatly drafted new years resolution list i compiled over the hols was then transformed into a more manageable “to-do” list, rather than a lofty wishlist that not even Oprah herself could complete.

My main theme for 2010…to “Be Still”.

This big ole world expects a lot from us, as we do from ourselves, and we get so wrapped up in doing more…being more…getting more, we don’t stop to ask ourselves, “What’s the point?” If you can’t remember why you do something anymore, then there’s nothing like being silent and figuring out the “why” and fixating less on the “how”. “when” and “where” of it.

Yes, i know i've gone all Zen on your asses, but its necessary. As Ye would sympathise in song, "You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong thingsssss."

This poem sums up my 2010 mantra:


Voices in my head,
Chanting, “Kisses. Bread.
Prove yourself. Fight. Shove.
Learn. Earn. Look for love.”

Drown a lesser voice,
Silent now of choice:
“Breath in peace, and be
Still, for once, like me.”

Vikram Seth

*Note: Laying off the “dramatics” and “hyperboles” also featured on that new years resolution list, go figure, lol).

I’m enjoying the last week of my holiday before heading feet first into the corporate jungle. I’ve got lots of posts brewing in my head inspired by my travels and the people around me over the last two weeks. In the meantime, I’m gonna play some catch up and see what y’all been blogging about!

It’s good to be back…i missed you guys *sniff*


V x