Monday, October 12, 2009

Keeping Up Appearances: The Lengths Some of Us Will Go To

TMI Alert: I may or may not reference events of a gaseous nature.

Picture the scene.

It’s a mellow Saturday night and you and your boo are bunking down to some vegging on the couch after inhaling many carbs and meat products. Thing is, you are gluten-intolerant but momentarily forgot this while scoffing a plate full of pasta, as you were surfing a dopamine-high and feeling invincible.

Until the rumbling in your tummy reminds you that you ain’t no super woman and pay back is a b*tch. You realise that a trip to the bathroom is imminent. Thing is, you're at your boo’s place…were privacy is relatively non-existant and trust me, you need privacy - sound-proof, nobody in a 10km radius type privacy and that’s pretty impossible.

Sweat beads collect on your top-lip, time is running out, so you enter into a hypothetical conversation that goes like this:

You: Laying it extra thick “Babe, can you go upstairs please.”

Your Boo: Why?

You: Rolling eyes ‘Cause I need to use the bathroom, duh.

Your Boo: Looking very confused “Ummm, I don’t get it. Why do I need to go upstairs if you need to go to the bathroom? Just go.”

You: Exasperated beyond all belief “Sweetie, just indulge me on this one please. Just go upstairs.

Your Boo: Looking at you like you’ve lost your damn mind "I’m not going anywhere."

You: Realising subtlety won’t win the day “Listen, I need to drop it like it’s hot and chances are tremors may be felt and heard in neighbouring countries. I could really do with privacy ‘cause stage-fright is a huge possibility.

Your Boo: Convulsing in fits of laughter “You’re impossible. Go already…I’m not budging.”

You slink off in defeat to do your business but five minutes after arrival find out that stage fright has taken a hold of your senses...and bowels.

Nothing happens.

For another five minutes you have an internal debate with yourself. One part of you (the solid practical part) tells you stop being silly and go already. After all, this is a natural part of life and everybody does. However, a rather insistent part of you (largely influenced by glossy magazines and random drivel) urges you to fight the feeling as it will strip you of all your mystery and make you undesirable - yah, don't ask.

Thankfully, practicality wins the day and you emerge ten minutes later, ten pounds lighter with a skip in your step.

Now, this incident I’ve described above is pretty common judging by my research. I have a friend who can’t go unless she’s at home. This means holidays tend to be bowel-movement free and painful towards the end. I have married friend who after five years of marriage claims her husband is none-the-wiser about her need to “drop off the kids” as this event tends to take place at 3am every morning when said-husband is out for the count.

Ridiculous as it is, this need to keep up appearances manifests itself in a million different ways; from my boy’s ex-girlfriend who would wake up an hour before her alarm went off to “put her face on” and brush her teeth so he wouldn’t see her in bad light to women friends who believe a man should never see you putting on your make up as it robs a woman of her “mystery”.

The madness must stop people! We must keep it real…okay not too real, but you know what I mean right ;-)

Holla in the comments with your stories or experiences in “keeping up appearances”

This Ain’t American Idols People: The girls and I went out on Friday night to get our Karaoke on at Monte Casino. The process of picking a song is so overwhelming, the choices are endless.

When I come across a song that’s a strong contender I have to mentally go through the whole song in my head to weed out any suspicious high notes lurking about – I will save Mariah’s impossible tra-la-la’s for the car ride to work and back thanks. So after making selections (Madonna’s “Material Girl” and Jamelia’s “Superstar” got through the selection panel) we waited our turn.

Eh, where we just not shocked.

I think we picked the “I’m-no-amateur-and-wouldn’t-mind-a-record-deal” night ‘cause people were blowing that mic up in a way that deserved Grammy’s. Sure, one or two people sucked but I’d say 90% of the people who went up to perform, killed it. Talk about putting pressure on the rest of us folks, of average singing talent (expect in the shower where the acoustics are always amazing).

After a couple cocktails nobody on my table cared whether they could hold a note or not…thank the heavens for alcohol, the great equaliser tranquiliser :-)


Today is a coolish, overcast day in the City of Gold. It’s what I’m calling an “Empire State of Mind” day = mellow and uber chilled with a slight shower of nostalgia expected in the late afternoon.

Have a great one chickens.


V x


Anonymous said...

Yay I'm first! Well I remember the one time I'd told all my friends that I was going on a very fancy holiday! To cut a long story, some fool lost my passport and I didn't end up going. I remember going into hiding. I would get my mum to drive me around and would duck every time I saw someone who might know me, I didn't leave the house for a good days and had people convinced that I was out of the country. But I was still in good old sunshine city, I just didn't want to be one of those people who made up 'holidays' that somehow always got canceled at the last minute!

Vimbai said...

@MBLS: LOL< oh dear! Now that was indeed some dedication to the cause. But now, how did you dodge questions like, "Where are the holiday pics" etc?

I hope you eventually went on the holiday!

Anonymous said...

I got bored of being in hiding and I am not a very good liar. I eventually re-surfaced and just told people that something had come up and those who deserved a full out explanation I told what had happened. I ended up going on that holiday a few weeks later and subsequently showed as many people as I could my pictures! Mrs Bucket at best!

Anonymous said...

if I haven't heard a woman fart by the 3rd week of 'going serious' i'll know that she's keeping secrets from me (like a husband and ten kids)... and my instinct is to run... and fast...

here's a guy's perspective - farting is okay and going to the bathroom audibly is okay too... burping 'a' 'b' 'c's, scratching the booty violently, and watching star trek is fine as well... it just has to be after the novelty of the relationship has begun to ware off.

have a fab week.

ndini wenyu

sekuru vaTawanda


Hey vim, how are you doing. a part of life...

Rene said...

I remember one time my mum made me cut my hair cuz i wuz paying too much attention to it and she wanted too punish me, I kept telling people that I was tired of it that wuz why i decided to cut my hair. <--- that's not so bad compared to some other things.

Myne Whitman said...

My SO asked me one day whether I ever do the loo. LOL. Of course I do but not when he's there. Not deliberately though.

Karaoke, alcohol, karaoke, LOL.

Vimbai said...

@MBLS: The truth will set you free...or someone with out you, lol. YEs, you are indeed the embodiment of Hyacinth Bucket/Bouquet!

@Sekuru: Makadini ko? Okay now here's a question to pose to all of you reading, when exactly does the novelty period wear off?

One month?

Two Months?

Heck, two weeks?

@September: I'm not denying its a part of life...but i'm just highlighting its "mood killing" tendencies.

How different would your honeymoon had gone if you'd let one or three rip, lol.

PS We wait with bated breath to hear the details!

@Rene: Eish, your mum didn't play! You must share notes with K coz both your mothers are NINJAS.

Oooh, i want to hear about the other incidents too!

@Myne: Mmmmmmmh, not deliberately huh...why aren't i buying that, lol. Come on, 'fess up that you fall into the category of women who wake up in the wee hours of the morning to do their business.

Karaoke + Alcohol = Off-key Fun

Anonymous said...

ndiripo hangu vim. the novelty wares off when the relationship becomes less about passion and more about friendship, and when a person becomes part of your daily routine (like brushing teeth), or when the mystery and allure is drained from the relationship. it varies from relationship to relationship.

usually, it is when you move in together, split bills in half and when you split chores. so, the more time you spend with a person doing ordinary non-romantic things, the sooner the novelty wares off.

in my experience, the best relationships i've ever had were ones that had no novelty period, where everything was just basic, and the other party was more of my BFF and not my GF.
sekuru vaTawanda

Vimbai said...

Sekuru, your comment above was very endearing! It's true, the best relationships are definitely more about the friendship and how you get along on a day-to-day basis than the hyper-romantic ideal that Tinseltown likes to project upon us.

I think age comes into the equation, the older we get, the more we want that comfortable kinda love.

Lu said...

LMAO....Wow, i love reading your blogs... The tummy rumbles are pretty hectic sometimes...I am lactose intolerant and many a time I feel the need to sneak in some ice-cream that doesn't normally work out well with me. Dropping it likes it hot at "your items" place is not an option. I am a firm believer of that...

Vimbai said...

But Lu, when nature calls ka, it doesn't matter if you are at your item's place or having tea with the gotsa go!

Glad i am keeping you amused honey!

Daughter of Eve said...

I say once you are comfortable with eschother anything goes! This no seing me without make up business is rubbish- surely if he loves you for you it wont matter whether you have a full face of make up or not! I hear you on the wheat thing LOL oh well i guess since he has heard/smelt this and has not fled then your relationship must be on pretty steady ground!

munhu said...

@ V you just called to mind an episode that I had with one way smoking hot girl that I dated once. she was of the prim and proper variety and i guess if it were not for this episode would have never dropped the kids off at the pool in my presence !! she travelled down to Durbz and caught some nasty bug. Yours truly did the airport run and the banter on the way to mine was rather subdued on account of...I knew not what at the time. needless to say as soon as we got home she said that she was out of tampons...badly needed some but also wanted to take a bath so I was promptly dispatched to shops for tampons while she "bathed". To cut a long story short...I decided to change into shorts before dashing to shops and left my wallet in my jeans so I returned five minutes later to find the whole bedroom area STUNK UP a mother...and she had not heard me come in. So I popped my head into the bathroom area to enquire if everything was okay to find Miss p & p with her jeans around her ankles and head in the chamber heaving her guts out...apparently bug was intending to exit from top AND bottom...that was not what drove us apart in the end but upon sufferance of ZERO nookie I sworn to never mention this episode again...relative anonymity on this forum has emboldened me !!!
But dump away ladies - it is nature.

Vimbai said...

@Daughter of Eve: He hasn't fled, that's a good sign :-)

I once watched an episode of Oprah where a woman came on whose husband and children hadn't seen her without make-up for 20 years!!!!

I understand keeping up a charade for 1 - 3 months, manje 20 years. Like you said DOE, tis rubbish!

@Munhu: It's been a while, how you doing dear?

Haaaaaaaa shame, i feel so sorry for your ex! Up and Down exits, bra, that's a medical empergency saka its an exception. But i give her points for resourcefulness in making up stories to get you out of the house, hehehe.

munhu said...

Hey V...
a rather good minute. I am alright. The story was a good one indeed. We did end up spending the best part of the rest of that night in an emergency ward with her on a drip and me giving running commentary to her mom on her progress...i only realised the hilarity of that scene after a week or two...