Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Heifer’s Guide to Acceptable Phone Etiquette

My co-worker’s girlfriend got it into her head that her boyfriend and I were in the throes of some torrid love affair whilst working on a project together for a big client.

She’d “cleverly” decoded work related SMSes I had sent him like, “Running late, cover for me” and “Let me know when you get X and Y documents” for “Take me now you hunk of burning love!”

So convinced was she of his betrayal that she had to call me at 6.15am from his phone to ask, “Who’s this?”



Yes, I was playing tag with the snooze button on my alarm, but technically speaking, I was not awake. Anyone who knows me well would inform you that rousing me from my slumber before I’m ready to face the day is a big no-no. My language tends to be very colourful in such circumstances.

Luckily for this heifer, I saw it was a work colleague’s number on my caller ID so I was on my best behaviour. I have no idea why I was so polite or even bothered to respond to her insipidly unoriginal question. I informed her that I was so-and-so’s colleague and promptly hung up.

No speaking in tongues occurred. I didn’t even blaspheme. I was very proud. Instead I saved my opinions for her beau when I got into the office.

I thought people had grown out of pulling such shildish stunts, but clearly there are some ladies heifers who still need to be schooled in the art of phone etiquette:

Rule 1: Don’t call other women to find out who they are in relation to your man. We are too old to be re-enacting Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine”. Whatever issues or suspicions you harbour in your relationship should remain in your relationship, third parties must be kept out of it.

Rule 2: If you really must call, mornings are no-go, so are office times and weekends. Your best bet is to do your reconnaissance on a weekday between 6:00pm – 6:05pm, preferably on a Tuesday if we must get down to specifics.

Rule 3: It’s all well and good to open phone conversations by spewing forth questions like “Who are you” and “How do you know…..” However, etiquette dictates that you at least declare who YOU are and your purpose for the phone call, it’s only polite after all.

*sigh* Here’s hoping heifers everywhere take heed of such simple rules and leave the rest of us hard working folk to our slumber!

Feel free to share your heifer related moments and any additional rules I may have missed out on :-)


*smh* Poor Caster, now they’ve got her all prettied up on the cover of “You” magazine to prove…well, I’m not sure exactly.

This could be a ploy to reassure the masses that she’s indeed a woman…or to convince Caster herself?

It just looks too forced and contrived. She’s a tomboy, not a weave-wearing, gold bracelet’d wanna-be kugel. The photo reinforces that in this world, the hardest thing to be is yourself.

Keep your head up Caster!

You couldn’t make this stuff up: Some things you just can’t make up! Take for example the current Japanese Minister, Yukio Hatoyama and his kooky wife. He is a former pop-ballad crooner and she’s…well…she’s many things but right now famously known for claiming to have visited Venus via an Unidentified Flying Object and having known Tom Cruise in a former life when he was Japanese.


Craziness aside, i love this couple’s utter devotion to each other! He supports her craziness and she is his raison d’etre *sigh*

There’s someone for everyone!


Have a fabulous Phuza Thursday chickens, the weekend is but a heartbeat away!


V x


Vimbai aka Visha said...

Please that "boy is mine" "stay away from my man" is live and well for some 20 years after high school. Tomfoolery never ends with age.

That photo of Caster makes me sad in all its fakeness. Small blessings that she wasnt wearing all pink, with a plunging neckline and a subscription for good housekeeping

The Japanese Couple- in a Rick James voice "Cocaine is a dangerous drug" thats all I have to say.

Vimbai said...

Tomfoolery, hehehe, i love that word!

Eish, we must be thankful they didn't put her in pink for sure. But she looks so uncomfortable...and kinda like Venus Williams, but that could just be me.

Cocaine would explain a lot of things, but those two are a hoot...i wonder if they have any kids, mmmh.

K said...

6.15am wake up calls are not kosher neither are 3am ones *flashback...SMH msscheeew* neither is dragging bystanders like yourself into the contract they have betwixt the two of them. I get her mission but I fail her on her shoddy reconnaissance work...she called you based on work text msgs? not dodgy emails? ambiguous voice mails?... sorry chica I hope the dude apologised profusely.

As for Caster- nothing to say. really nothing.

Vimbai said...

Ooooh, how did your 3am call go? my guess is that it wasn't as polite as mine, hahaha.

Turns out her paranoia was based on work texts AND that some friends of her's who work at the client i'm working from reported back to her that they'd seen him and me having lunch together. Still nothing for her to go by, but i'm sure she heard about how hot i looked in my 5' Aldo heels and decided not to take a chance, lol.

Dude did apologise...and then proclaimed his undying love for her. Men love the crazies *smh*

munhu said...

@ VfZ...mawanda anaVimbai pano...not a bad thing either...
men love the crazies I remember you blogged on that once...but shanje rudo (jealousy is love)...we can of course talk about the woman's insecurities but there is no questioning she is not prepared to lose the bloke. Bloke might be going into too much detail regarding his present relationship with you though...apology was all he had to proffer. What happened after had nada to do with you...I suggest you are a temptation to dude and chick can sense it as have others...and if you are really not keen you may as well spare yourself further torment by cooling down the lunch dates with him otherwise brace yourself...the fat lady is only just looking for the right pitch.......

Langa said...

Those phone calls are a no-no..i so hate when they call u about 3 times hanging up, they give it a few days rest then call to ask 'who are u?' and my response is' who are u calling coz u called me?!?' Some women need to stop showing their insecurities.

There was one they used to say happened back home where the wife calls this number and says 'Who's this?How do you know my husband?' and the woman on the other end says 'Ah ini ndingori hure rekumaAvenues murume wenyu ndiani?'*DEAD*

Vimbai said...

@munhu: Errr theres no temptation here and i don't have any other lunch buddies over here, so umm, she must just get a grip!

@Langa: LMAO, that was hilarious, to those not familiar with my mother tongue, the cruz of that joke has the prostitute responding to the wife, "Oh, i'm a prostitute from the Avenues, who is your husband again?"

Geez, that's priceless!

At least its not heavy breathers on the line, that would be very Form 2ish!

Tiavi said...,27574,26056981-401,00.html

Tiavi said...

@V: Tomboy, right?

Lu said...

Lol... Dont you just hate women that get too emotional and while doing that they lose the rational chain of thought. Arrrrghhhh...Tell that "lady" "pendejo" "swine" to take compose herself because in the end she looks stupid.

Caster, maybe after a few shots of something and a smoking apparatus of some sort...Just maybe...And if she has her gold medal on.

K said...

@ Munhu so err Vim must quit hanging with the dude because she's a possible temptation? I agree with Vim either she gets a grip and realises that if he wanted to be with someone else he would be...he clearly loves her...crazy or sane.
Otherwise this jealousy is love crap I dont fux with. I just dont. Everyone is replaceable in any relationship because there is always something better. However once someone makes the decision/committment to be with you, you should at least attempt to keep your insecurities under lock and key. AND if he cheated on her before or is currently cheating or is a revolving door cheater....well then she needs to look at the problem (him) not the options/temptations/other chicks he associates with. Tiz all

K said...

P.s Loving that Mr Carter is out about promoting BP3 because he rarely does interviews...Im like in Jigga overload right now. And every interview he does with Angie Martinez makes me love him more.. *sigh* Im a Jay Z groupie and dont care who knows it!!

Vimbai said...

@Tiavi: The Australian Telegraph has got into loads of trouble for unleashing reports before the governing body IFF (or something like that) could get around to officially telling Caster!

A haemophrodite...sha, so sad!

But i've got lots of questions:

1. Didn't she know something wasn't right. If she has no womb and testes instead of ovaries, wouldn't she have noticed that she hadn't ever got a period?!

2. Does that mean her professional career is over...all that work had come to nothing.

3. Does she get to keep the medal, after all, she didn't withhold info on purpose...or did she...mmmmh.

@Lu: Wearing the gold medal, ROFL, you've got jokes dude.

@K: Girl, thanks for backing me up to Munhu! for real, why am i the problem all of a sudden nhai? The more i seat with my co-worker, the more i realise that the call was a symptom to a much bigger problem in that relationship, eish.

People must looking inwards before they start pointing outwards!

As for Jigga, bra, that man does "tings to me". Now i am gonna youtube all interviews and the like. He's just so awesome, *swoon*. I am a I-Love_Sean-Carter groupie for life girl!


Let me reply from the girlfriends point of view, maybe the man made her insecure, maybe a previous relationship made her insecure. In any case she was wrong for calling you.She should ask her man.

Vimbai said...

Ms September: I know the man made her insecure, he's a bit of a ladies man, but like you said, she should take it up with him.

We've all been in a relationship where it would like to think its other parties that are interfering with your relationship...but you know what, you didn't see me calling anybody at the break of dawn! LOL :-)

munhu said...

i do hope that the feeling is not that I have laid any blame at VfZ's feet. Not at all. It is not her place to fix the rel'ship but she is like the rain that comes through your roof and ceiling and damages your sofas. The builder may have done a shoddy job of constructing your crib but ultimately the rain caused the damage and only the builder can and should be blamed - his fault. However if the rain had been gregarious and decided not to rain it would have been left to another catalyst to prove the builder's shoddy handiwork. Without giving power to this woman's evident insecurity all I am saying is that it is within your power Vimbai to not be viewed as the straw that broke the camel's back because that is the straw that counts...there you've said it he is a bit of a ladies this woman's paranoia is not imagined.
Calling you might have lacked decorum but I gather your beef is that she called you too early...her man gives her every right and reason to behave in that way...whether she should then stoop so low as to call is another matter altogether.
the reality of life is that once someone comes into our life they come with their baggage because that is who they are...once we are aware of the baggage we sometimes then want to make our terms for something that we cannot change whereas we could decide to ditch the short whether this girl is wrong or right Vimbai I hope that that phonecall was enough for her otherwise more is coming your way and the more you insist on fuelling any misconstrued rumours etc - iadvertantly or not the more your cement her view that you are her the looking chick enjoying the attention of known ladies man = ladies man has done it again (especially in eyes of ladies man's girlf).

The Girl with the Red Hair said...

lol@ the boy is mine!!!

So ladies just can't help it!!!

Cater's picture looks sooo forced, she is so not in her skin at all

Vimbai said...

@munhu: I hear you dear Munhu and appreciate your words of wisdom and awesome analogies! Everyone's always looking for a scape goat.

@Red: Ola chica! Welcome! For real, she looks so trussed up and now with these latest developments of her being a haemophrodite...shame, now that shoot looks like more of a sick joke than ever.

Lu said...

These comments get people worked up...Damn..! anyway, lets all take comfort in the BP3..Whoever wants to blog about it can do so immediately so we can all comment on how great Venus Vs Mars is...My personal fav

munhu said...

hardly Lu...over the couple odd years that I have been following the blog I have realised that V is an open-minded person and feel free to speak my mind on the platform she provides...I do not always agree with her neither does she with me...but I certainly lose no sleep or froth at the mouth at is just robust of the things I love to do..yes BP 3 is out...mad talent...I will go out on a limb and say that while Jay's lyrics are killer I appreciate the production more...the sounds that he brings together are not always the usual and now he has taken to wind instrumentation with a passion (trumpets etc...)....sparkation !!!

Vimbai said...

@Lu: I love these comments, healthy debate is always welcomed :-)

As for BP3...wait for my next post so we can fully discuss the genius that is Shawn Carter (i love him...seriously)

@Munhu: Wouldn't the world be a boring place if we all thought alike, Munhu, keep your insights coming they're always fully appreciated!

As for Jay and his wind instruments...*sigh* that man ka *smh* no words, just smiles :-)