Wednesday, September 30, 2009

All Thai'd Up!

When you part with good money to get felt up, it better be good = Cue a nice little Thai Massage parlour nestled in the hills of Northern Johannesburg.

Lotus flowers floating in glass bowls and a relaxing foot massage were what met my girls and I, so far so good. We got cute little linen karate-type outfits to wear and lay prostrate on some zen-ish type mats waiting for individual Thai masseurs to work their brand of magic.

Black magic that is!

I'm no stranger to this particular brand of relaxation given my penchant for swedish and hot stone massages, but this Thai one was another story. Here's a few things i learnt:

1. I don't think it's normal to hear the cracking of bones when one is trying to relax, it does not instill any confidence in the person literally handling you.

2. There's something physically stifling about being stood on! I don't care whether it sometimes felt good...its violating on some primal level.

3. Being borderline narcoleptic has its merits, when the pain got too intense i sorta passed out, my form of escapism.

4. It really shouldn't be called a massage if the process doesn't involve essential oils of some sort.

5. Don't be deceived by the look of those delicate Thai ladies, these chicks will have you whimpering for your mummy in a matter of minutes.

6. *ahem* The butt massage was kinda nice...am just saying.

7. Always Google activities you intend on participating in but are generally clueless about...expectations should be managed up-front.


So would i do it again? Probably not. Life's too short to get literally walked all over, lol

That's my story and i'm sticking to it...but i'm open to any opinions or suggestions you may hold on the topic ;-)

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Let the record show that the group formerly known as Destiny's Child can now officially be absolved of any future victimisation given their prior ejection of LaToya and that other chick none of us remember, 'cause after the stunt the Sugarbabes have just pulled, there's a new renegade girl band in town!

With the hostile removal of the last pioneer Keisha Buchanan, this girl band really should go by another name, i propose "Those Other Chicks"

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Here's a list of topics this week that i'm too weak to write about...too weak:

1. Bob's interview with Amanpour on CNN this past week *smh* - (Paula Abdul's lyrics come to mind, "Two steps forward, two steps back").

2. The Kardashians...why are these people famous? Okay we know why, it all started with a sex tape and now one shotgun wedding and a bun in the oven later, they're all famous? WTF? I'm still waiting on Reggie Bush to get some sense.

3. Airline Tickets: I've complained about this before but what's with the excessive airport tax and misleading prices. The figure you see before the tax looks reasonable, one click later and BAM, the number has doubled due to airport tax!

4. Getting older...my birthday is creeping up and you'd think Doomsday was approaching. I feel like hibernating for the next fortnight to re-master the Master Plan.

Feel free to add to this list: What topics or people have are making you weak this week?

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The last quarter of the year is upon us, can you believe it? Ordinarily October is my favourite month of the year, for obvious reasons, and i'm hoping this month lives up to the hype...impending birthday blues and all.

Keep smiling chickens and always remember, when life hands you lemons...insist on exchanging them for chocolate at the very least, lol.

Love,

V x

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Hey, Big Dreamer!

What’s worse?

Dreaming too big or dreaming too small?

Now you could argue that either of those two scenarios can be problematic and self-limiting if you aren’t laying down some action plans to realise the dreams in question. Still, I’m all for the “Dream big” scenario - the bigger and more outlandish the dream, the better, after all, this is the one space where anything goes, so why not break the rules and defy gravity?!

However, after attending a training session with my colleagues, I realised that some people don’t really get the concept of “Sky is the Limit”

Exhibit A

The training instructor was trying to highlight the difference between the features and benefits of certain work-related services and asked us to imagine we had just won the Lottery (read: You’re rolling in it!) were able to purchase the car of our dreams and to list what features we would want this car to come with. Sounds easy enough right…wrong.

The responses went a little like this:

Instructor: So shoot guys, what would your dream car’s features be?

Voice at the back: GPS Navigation system
(Err, don’t all standard luxury vehicles come with a GPS navigation system?!)

Guy on the next table: ABS Brakes
(Oh boy, these people need some help, I’m gonna have to say something)

Me: Convertible
(Why are they looking at me like I just said I want a 24ct gold interior, eh?)

Chick to my right: Mini-bar
(Now we’re talking, maybe there’s hope)

Guy in the back: Roof rack
(Roof rack…ummm, on a convertible, eish)

Ultimately, the whole exercise had me weak, weak, weak! You have just won the lottery, need to buy a car and you’re thinking about ABS brakes.

*DEAD*

So to start off the working week, and in the knowledge that we’ve got some mighty big dreamers up in here, let me poise the following question to you, my chickens:

What was/is your big dream of 2009 and how are you planning on setting out to achieve it or if you have already achieved it, share the details!

Holla in the comments!

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Rize Africa: Speaking of making dreams happen, i attended the pre-launch of Rize Africa a media movement aimed at giving a different perspective on current discourse on Africa.

Although the site (http://www.rizeafrica.com/) is still under construction, on it's official debut on the 26th October 2009, the fully interactive site will be a place that will encourage debate on a wide range of pertinent political & socio economical issues in African society.

I love seeing people's great ideas come to fruition and under the guidance of the founder, the lovely Linda Mabhena, i think Rize Africa is destined for greatness, especially if the pre-launch was anything to go by.

The lavishly catered affair (read: I ate to my heart's content) had star studded appearances by the likes of: SA's R'nB sensation, 'Leanne"; the no-holds-barred Zimbabwean Slam poet "Black Anakin" and up-and-coming Zimbabwean hiphop sensation Anonymoucity.

African's repping and doing us all proud: Rize Africa indeed!

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To think there are no more public holidays or long weekends in SA until December is enough to make me want to jump from the nearest high-rise building!

This past week was divine - 3 day working weeks should be enforced internationally, the world would be a better place 'cause of it.

Until such a time, keep your heads' up chickens and remember that Monday's are the new black. True story ;-)

Love,

V x

Friday, September 18, 2009

My Poker Phuza Face

Must sleep.

Can't sleep.

Am too scared to nip to the bathroom for my usual 10min power naps 'cause i suspect that i could pass out for much longer than that and sleep through all alarms, so i'm not gonna chance it.

I'm no good at partying like a rockstar on week nights...not that i was partying per se...more drinking...on an empty stomach.

Any drink that ends in "Collins" i will consume. The Collins family and I go waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back, last night it was a divine Kalahari Collins combination or four that kept me in high spirits (mind the pun).

I didn't behave inappropriately...but had inappropriate thoughts...and then annoying thoughts and i may have run my mouth a little (read: a lot).

*cringe*

Worst of all, i had a crazy early morning meeting today that i managed to make thanks to a well timed sms sent through to remind me to get up (bless). I was so early i managed to get great parking on the 2nd floor (i'm usually stuck on the 5th), but my buzz was quickly killed when the person i was meeting cancelled on me...15mins into our scheduled meeting time.

Arggggh.

Now i am drinking coffee like a joke. I don't like coffee but i would consume coffee beans whole today just to stay awake.

2hrs and counting...


Sanlam Fashion Week 2009: Before my Phuza Thursday got into full swing a mate and I checked out Lunar's eco-friendly, uber chic collection at this years high fashion extravaganza.

The ambiance was great, fashionista's everywhere. I may not have gotten the memo declaring that short grecian styled dresses and gold gladiator thong sandals/high heels were to be the evening's standard dress for all females between 15 and 55, but the ladies were looking great!
The true divas were of course the packs (yes, packs) of gay fashionistas in their early 20's rocking styles and clothes so fashion-forward, you'd think it was 3009!

The auditorium was packed with tse-lebrities, the usual: Dion Chang, Lira, an ex Ms South Africa here and there.

The collection was lovely, a bit muted...almost too safe, but lovely still! Shades of white, black and grey graced the runway (note to casting agents: Don't give the very dark model a grey dress to wear, she just ends up looking ashy!).

However ,the true highlight of the show was the vibrant live singer who sang flirty and fun French cabaret classics to acompany the models as they sashayed down the runway.

Damn, she was good...like REALLY good! She made the show.

I love fashion shows...Bryant Park here i come *dreamy swoon*

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Wear your sun block, drink your water and keep it strictly fabulous this weekend chickens!

Love,

V x

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

100 Ways To Be A Good Girl (This Is Definitely Not One of Them)

Disclaimer: Any family members and close friends reading this may want to opt out of going any further, this may be a little too TMI for y’all. But if you keep on reading and decide to bring it up in future conversations or meetings, please note, I will play dumb and deny, deny, deny :-) You have been duly warned.

In a blog post that I wrote a few moons ago, I asked you, my chickens, what was making you happy and I got a series of responses including one where a reader professed that her pet rabbit was making her happy.

“Pet rabbit” I thought, “How sweet” and proceeded to asked the blogger what the pet rabbit’s name was whilst I envisaged pictures of fluffy bunnies hopping in green meadows on a summer’s day.

Fast-forward about 5 comments later and these Bugs Bunny visions of mine where quickly dashed, turns out the said “pet-rabbit” making this reader smile was in fact her rabbit shaped vibrator…umm, yah.

For someone with a mind that has its own zip-code in the gutter, I really missed the boat on that one.

Over the next few weeks, a series of unrelated events led me to believe that pet rabbits are fast becoming the most popular domestic household feature, second to the microwave (God Bless the microwave).

Initially, I confess, I didn’t understand the fuss! I was raised to be a very good Catholic-African girl after all– so effective was my up-bringing that when I heard one of girffriends bragging about her new pet, one of my first thoughts was, ‘Won’t they make you go blind?”…okay I am joking about that, but you get my drift:

Good black girls don’t do such things…or do they?

I am proud to announce that good black girls everywhere are the proud owners of pet rabbits…octopi...parrots, you name it. I am also pleased to announce that quite a few black men are avid endorsers of this initiative by black women to, ummm, save the animals, hehehe. ;-) Whilst doing some investigative research *cough* for this post, I conducted interviews with some brothas that proclaim to know their way around a power tool, if you know what I mean….daaaaayum *vim fans herself*

What kind of amateur journalist would I be if I didn’t experience the goodness of providing a pet with a home first hand? I am now the proud owner of a bottle-nosed dolphin called “Flipper” that makes me smile.

I believe the world would be a happier place if there just a few more animal lovers in it *wink*

Are you or your significant other pet owners? If not, are you looking to adopt anytime soon?

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Black people, come on! What the heck was going on this weekend? Kanye was throwing Cognac induced temper tantrums at the VMA's, Serena was showing her Compton roots on the court (i suspect Common had something to do with that) and Lewis Hamilton came 16th or something ridiculous like that at the Italian Grand Prix.

K summed it up best when she said to me, " I think this week is "I wish a B*tch would do something to make me mad" week in our black community, world wide.

Now i can forgive Ye just about anything and yes, he did have a point, Bey should have taken that prize away, like John Legend twittered, " Side note: It's slightly weird that you can be a female and win Video of the Year, but not win Female Video of the Year." Conspiracy theories aside, Ye's hijacking of Ms Swift's moment was not the way to go about raising his concerns.

We know he's still grieving and find his solace in the form of a one Amber Rose (*smh*) and some Henessey...but bra, he's running out of excuses! At least he didn't "Chris Brown" Taylor and hastily apologised within 24hrs... the backlash will be minimal. Until then, Mr West, please get it together!

As for Serena...it was just one of those days i guess!

Thank goodness for the likes of Whitney Houston (back from the brink and telling all on Oprah), Tiger Woods (tearing up the greens and back better than before) and of course Jay-Z...

Speaking of Shawn....


Blueprint 3 is sold out everywhere in Jozi, awwww, and i am doing my head in trying to find it. I refuse to get a bootleg copy, i want the real deal...that's how dedicated i am to the cause.

To those fortunate souls who've heard the brilliance, is this album being overhyped or is it the real deal?

Holla in the comments!

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"I had the time of my life, and i never felt this way before": RIP Patrick Swayze

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Have a great Tuesday chickens!

Remember that when the world gets the better of you...consuming a can of Creme Soda on a hot summer's day can right most wrongs.

True story.

Love,

V x

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Heifer’s Guide to Acceptable Phone Etiquette


My co-worker’s girlfriend got it into her head that her boyfriend and I were in the throes of some torrid love affair whilst working on a project together for a big client.

She’d “cleverly” decoded work related SMSes I had sent him like, “Running late, cover for me” and “Let me know when you get X and Y documents” for “Take me now you hunk of burning love!”

So convinced was she of his betrayal that she had to call me at 6.15am from his phone to ask, “Who’s this?”

6.15am

Seriously…

Yes, I was playing tag with the snooze button on my alarm, but technically speaking, I was not awake. Anyone who knows me well would inform you that rousing me from my slumber before I’m ready to face the day is a big no-no. My language tends to be very colourful in such circumstances.

Luckily for this heifer, I saw it was a work colleague’s number on my caller ID so I was on my best behaviour. I have no idea why I was so polite or even bothered to respond to her insipidly unoriginal question. I informed her that I was so-and-so’s colleague and promptly hung up.

No speaking in tongues occurred. I didn’t even blaspheme. I was very proud. Instead I saved my opinions for her beau when I got into the office.

I thought people had grown out of pulling such shildish stunts, but clearly there are some ladies heifers who still need to be schooled in the art of phone etiquette:

Rule 1: Don’t call other women to find out who they are in relation to your man. We are too old to be re-enacting Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine”. Whatever issues or suspicions you harbour in your relationship should remain in your relationship, third parties must be kept out of it.

Rule 2: If you really must call, mornings are no-go, so are office times and weekends. Your best bet is to do your reconnaissance on a weekday between 6:00pm – 6:05pm, preferably on a Tuesday if we must get down to specifics.

Rule 3: It’s all well and good to open phone conversations by spewing forth questions like “Who are you” and “How do you know…..” However, etiquette dictates that you at least declare who YOU are and your purpose for the phone call, it’s only polite after all.

*sigh* Here’s hoping heifers everywhere take heed of such simple rules and leave the rest of us hard working folk to our slumber!

Feel free to share your heifer related moments and any additional rules I may have missed out on :-)

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*smh* Poor Caster, now they’ve got her all prettied up on the cover of “You” magazine to prove…well, I’m not sure exactly.

This could be a ploy to reassure the masses that she’s indeed a woman…or to convince Caster herself?

It just looks too forced and contrived. She’s a tomboy, not a weave-wearing, gold bracelet’d wanna-be kugel. The photo reinforces that in this world, the hardest thing to be is yourself.

Keep your head up Caster!

You couldn’t make this stuff up: Some things you just can’t make up! Take for example the current Japanese Minister, Yukio Hatoyama and his kooky wife. He is a former pop-ballad crooner and she’s…well…she’s many things but right now famously known for claiming to have visited Venus via an Unidentified Flying Object and having known Tom Cruise in a former life when he was Japanese.

Priceless!

Craziness aside, i love this couple’s utter devotion to each other! He supports her craziness and she is his raison d’etre *sigh*

There’s someone for everyone!

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Have a fabulous Phuza Thursday chickens, the weekend is but a heartbeat away!

Love,

V x

Sunday, September 06, 2009

There's a new band in town...



I've been out of sorts of late and not in a hey-i-had-too-many-jagerbombs kind of way though.

My wires are well and truly crossed and frustrating the hell out of me.

Ever wanted something of the romantic nature to happen so bad because it makes sense in your head, the person makes lots of sense, the two of you together makes loads of sense...you've thought it through and you can't find anything wrong...

EXCEPT

That your heart refuses to pitch up for the party!

Come on! Seriously!?

I'm too old to be a dophamine junkie, really i am! I'm too old to be making pheromone based decisions...my head and I agree on these two points.

Sadly, my heart aint having it and insists on foiling my very pragmatic plans. I think years of subsisting off the like of Mills and Boon and all other chick-lit is coming back to haunt me. I've successfully brainwashed my heart into believing that knights in shining armour come in a specific way and now i'm losing out on all the very eligible but unconventional prince charmings because of it.

I want this to a go a certain way so bad and it's not *hmmph*

Maybe i'm trying to hard...okay i know I am trying too hard, but gosh darn it (yes, i do say that in real life) that's only because i know how the flip-side of this romantic coin goes and it's not pretty.

Now trying to get my head and my heart to agree on something or rather someone...now that i would like to see!

Until then, if you see a big fat caucasian baby flying around with weapons of mass romanticisms, please tell him he's long overdue a visit to Vim's side of town!

Agony Aunt styled advice is more than welcome :-)

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Finally!!!: A whole 70 days after he kicked the proverbial bucket, a consensus was reached by MJ's family on where to lay him to rest...for good.

I doubt i'm alone in thinking that the length of time it took for them to handle logistics was ridiculous and disrespectful!

Hopefully now he'll get the rest he deserves, and about time too!

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Whatchu Think? I haven't watched District 9 as yet but the general reviews i've received about the flick are pretty mixed. I haven't heard anyone say they've outright "Loved it"yet.

Instead, i've heard about how the movie's underlying message is a running commentary on the xenophobia inherent within SA (mmmmh, could the aliens actually be a poorly disguised reference to "illegal aliens" situation that the country is currently battling with perhaps, mmmh).

A lot of people also felt that the Nigerian community was unecessarily stereotyped and intentionally portrayed negatively in the flick...

For a movie i haven't gotten around to watching, i feel like i know a bit too much now!

All in all, this movie may be a million dollar hit across the pond, but sadly, a "prophet" will rarely receive the recognition he wants or requires in his own land.

If you've watched District 9, holla in the comments and give me your take on it!

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My working week begins in T-minus 10 hours, let me catch some zzzzz's.

Here's to new days and new beginnings chickens :-)

Love,

V x

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Spring Fling: "It's a Celebration B*tches"

The heat, she is here!

You don't understand how *&^%ing happy i am!

Seriously, you don't understand!

I am even willing to overlook the negatives that Spring comes with. "What negatives" i hear you gasp, lets just say:

If Spring was the hot chick guys were trying to score at a party, Pollen would definitely have to be her less attractive side-kick, that men would have to actively tolerate and try to win-over, after all, one doesn't come without the other :-)

This weekend was chocker-block with pre-Spring celebrations! I am still recovering from the "joy" experienced. The common theme at the two main shindigs i attended was some sort of Ode to Michael Jackson, it being his birthday weekend and all. Friday night involved me and twenty other party people being taught the moves to Thriller (i believe our rendition could easily eclipse those Filipino prisoners who have shot to YouTube fame) and Saturday night was the celebration to end all MJ celebrations (note to self: 5' killer heels are not moonwalk compliant).

I have officially made peace with MJ's passing and don't want to hear another one of his track till the late 2010 thanks!

How did you say your last goodbyes to MJ this past weekend?

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"I can be brown, i can be blue, i can be violet sky": So am applying for jobs in more creative industries and environments than i currently work in now and am finding it difficult to say, "Hey, hire me, although my CV reads like a dork, trust me, i'm the real deal."

Trying to be everything on paper is doing my head in right now! I didn't realise the true extent to which The Man and his Corporate goons had sapped my creative lifeblood, i should have done this 5 yrs ago...ah well, the struggle continues!

It's sorta Gone: I am a little behind in the blogging stakes, how is it possible i only blogged 5 times last month??! Anywho, here's some meaningless piece of information that you can do nothing with...i finally cut my hair, its gone...i'm not bald or sporting a buzz cut, more pixie than buzz...but yah, its gone...and i miss it a bit, not so much when people tell me i look cute though.

It's Really Gone: Speaking of hair removal (warning: TMI sharing) i decided to woman-up and do the whole bikini wax thing, except i may have gone brazillian instead...okay i did go that way, but i didn't realise what it entailed. I though i had a high pain threshold, but if you had been waiting outside the spa room i was in, you would have thought that someone was slaughtering a piglet in there! I made such unattractive, high pitched "Ouch, you've got to be *&^%ing kidding me" squealing kinda noises.

Women, why do we do this to ourselves! Why?

I swore, i blasphemed, i cussed out Cleopatra (somehow i got it into my head that she's the root cause for this practice).

Geez, it was real!

But you know what, i'll probably be back on that spa bed a month from now with the beautician chickie catching a major eyeful as she rips off that hot wax and i howl in pain....women *smh*

Ladies, care to share your thoughts on the subject?

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It's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past my bedtime chickens, but i had to get my blogging fix! Ooooh, follow me on Twitter on @vimfromzim if you miss me too much in future ;-)

Have a fab Hump day tomorrow :-)

Love,

V x