Monday, January 12, 2009

I need a wife!

The January disease is endemic at this time of the year, but that stills doesn’t stop people from spending money and having fun…it merely slows down the process and makes people creative about things.

The first part of my weekend had me behaving and doing stay at home type things like; watching stand-up comedy routines courtesy of the office go-to-guy (that Katt Williams is a hoot), reorganising my It all feel apart by Saturday evening when I succumbed to peer pressure and went out with friends in search of mafaro/joy*

Come Sunday, money was happily parted with at big sis’s high tea shindig at (say in hushed, revered type tone) The Saxon. Famous for not only being the most gorgeous boutique hotel ever (I found it difficult to feign cool-calm nonchalance when walking about), it’s also renowned for being the first place Nelson Mandela stayed at after his release in 1990.

With the most lush type, inherently African décor going on as well as very affordable menu’s, trust me there’s nothing not to like about this place. So if you stay in the Gauteng area or plan on visiting SA anytime soon, I suggest you make a plan to check it out.
Wanted - One wife-type figure with the following qualifications:

"Candidate must be proficient in hot-stone therapy as well as Swedish massaging techniques. The ability to speak is not necessary, a simple nod or exaggerated hand movement/gesture will suffice. Disappearing at a moment’s notice is a must-have talent for any hopefuls. Delia-Smith-meets-my-mother-esque culinary skills are a must Candidates who don’t know their way around a kitchen need not apply."

In the past week I’ve been good and actually graced my kitchen to cook edible meals. After a week of this madness, I’ve decide that this ish is overrated…like seriously overrated. I know I’ve complained about this before, but it still bewilders me that this ability to patiently wait day-in, day-out, for pots and dishes to simmer, boil, grill, bake, fry is expected of all women.

However, all women are not made equally and I am again coming to terms with the fact that I am deficient in the Oh-goody-goody-it-is-time-to-cook gene. As I proclaimed to my less-than-amused mother and father after fielding their numerous, “Mwanagu wawonda” (My child, you’ve lost too much weight**) type references, “I need a wife” because this cooking type gig is clearly not for me.

So…any takers?

Let me get into my working week, I drew up this ridiculous to-do list that I’ve promised I will get through today. Eish chickens, i hope your Monday mornings don’t bite you in the butt!


V x

* The quest for joy was derailed a bit when it came to our attention that most popular clubs in joburg were still closed for 2009, I mean really??? Dancing and mafaro were found elsewhere in "ahem" other places that will remain nameless in case I am judged :-)

**To the African mother, everyone could use an extra 5kg’s on them, easy!


K said...

Ok I have to be honest with you...I have never heard of The Saxon dear ad I had to google that WHOA!!! Now I am dreaming of swanky drink receptions there with all my young black and fabolous friends...

As for wifey..pick me pick me pick me... I can cook as long as you take me to The Saxon on weekends...LOL

LOL @ your parents funny how its nearly the same thing in my language...but I never listen to mine about weight those people would let me hit size 18 before saying "eh my child you may need to start walking" My mum says as long as my thigh are not saying excuse me to each other when I walk I'm ok....

As for Katt Williams...he's my secret crush...I love him coz his funny..favourite joke is about women over 25 and self esteem...lmao

ShonaVixen said...

Parents do fuss a lot kani about our weight...LOL @ Kooksie's mum saying thighs no saying excuse me to each

The Saxons - a place I must visit soon...

Katt Williams - i only liked him when he was on Wildn Out with Nick Cannon...otherwise he just doesnt do it for ..and maybe m secretly jealous of his hair!!

Vimbai said...

K: Lol, you are on the top of my list! You cook for me during the week and then i can parade my trophy wife at The Saxon, hehehehe.

Crushing on Katt Williams??? You are an odd one! I haven't heard the joke you're referring to...i do like his song that starts with him declaring, "May all low self-esteem ladies leave the dancefloor, this one's for the cocky b*tches."

Shona: I won't lie, Katt's hair is TIGHT, it's like Snoop's and Lloyd's! I get angry when i think of how nice their hair actually is.

It's the same with eyelashes, why do men have such fantastic eyelashes whereas i have to spend a fortune on Maybelline to get the same effect :-S

K said...

Oh you needs to watch it girl!!!!

He basically says that he's tired of women over 25 complaining about how men have ruined their self esteem...then he goes to say "how the hell am I going to fcuk esteem of your mother fcuking self??"

as for good hair...if you ever watched I love New York (dont judge me..I was bored..) there was one guy who like her named real...he had such nice hair you would want to make babies with him for the

Vimbai said...

Crushing on Katt Williams....watching I Love New York...K, please keep the confessions coming, you are killing me here :-)

Will check out the youtube clip, thanks :-)

Super star! said...

I dare say you bring so many happy memories. A story you might find fascinating.... Once i had been labouring hard on how i was going to break-up with this girl i was seeing. I suspect, she got the hint and so planned a great comeback-(Flava has got nothing on this girl). She simply gave me an address one friday nite and insisted i made myself available pronto. Since she was from Pretoria i suspected she was staying with frenz in jburg. I drove to the said address and you will acknowledge from outside, the Saxon looks like any other house in this plush suburb. Immediately after entering the gates and nicely parking my modest vehicle- a very attentive host whisked me away into rino zi BMW750IL. It was an early summer night and they had just turned on the lights, but you could still see the rolling manicured greens and the rock features. At this time during the drive i had no idea what was happening, i was tryna take it all in and yet appear to know what was going on. At reception, they simply confirmed my name and led me to one of the rooms. The door was slightly ajar and my favourite cd of all time (Maxwell live) was playing. i walked into this sumptuous living area- the size of my apartment, the deco was ultra african chic. Walking beyond the living room the poster bed was welcoming in white linen on old Rhodesian teak. beyond the bed lying in the jacuzzi holding a champagne glass was a familiar face.......

Secondly on culinary skills: vasikana (girls) given a choice between a girl that can cook and one who cant the former will always win no matter how dashing the looks or great the other compensating attributes the latter might have

K said...

V...shaaa...hanti I said DONT judge me...or should I have said don't laugh at more confessions from me...acting like I'm Usher up in hurr

Vimbai said...

Superstar: Inga those were some "sensual seduction" tactics pulled by a sister! You must have been like a kid in a candy store!

Bra, how they pick you up in a BMW from the carpark only to take you to the reception area which is about 200m from the car park is a killah, but oh so impressive. I was sold.

So at what point did you realise that the saxon wasn't this chick's crib, hehehe.

K: Okay, i will behave and stop judgement here, lol.

Vimbai said...

Oh and Superstar, thanks for rubbing it in that my lack of culinary skills has severely depreciated my roora/lobola, lol!

Oh and another question, how long did the love last between you and The Comeback Kid/Miss after that romantic what-what she pulled?

munhu said...

the saxon is a purrty special place - inga zvenyu ! Iwe Nyenyedzi Mazvikokota ( Super Star ) - after she put up a show like that you still drew the curtains...I bet this was AFTER enjoying the "fare" on offer that evening...wrong brutha wrong !

Vimbai said...

Super star, speak up and defend yourself mate!

You've got some 'splaining to do :-)

Super star! said...

Vimbai, sorry for the late reply...

Boy was i in a candy store- that weekend was my introduction to the saxon- and for what its worth, i still remember it.
The moment the gates opened i knew that she was up to something.
and let me explain the unspoken rule about such indulgences- reciprocation; i had to come up with a bigger surprise (plane tickets n al)and before you know it i had forgotten why i wanted to break up with her. It lasted some 6 months later- and by then i had moved to another country and the distance was a killer.

The 200m drive is all in the novelty, luxury at its best.

As for culinary skills (lack of)Mr Dacy in Pride and Prejudice protests to Elizabeth that he has neither the pre-disposition nor skill to be partake in friendly niceties with strangers. Elizabeth replies that, that is not an excuse since if she devoted more time and practice to playing the piano she would become an accomplished pianist nothing to do with her predispositions. So Mr Darcy simply chooses not to practice but blames his lack of charm on dispositions. So Vimbz practice, practice...

Munhu: After a show like that it was hard to draw the curtains and i simply had to reciprocate and we somehow found the magic again until i had to chase after the pot of gold.
Woman are a bit more conniving than that my man. She wanted me to never to forget her/ and the experience- sort of tattoo her name in my mind. And she has succeeded coz over 3 years after the tale i still tell.

Tigeress said...

Good luck on finding a wife that has Delia-Smith-meets-my-mother-esque culinary skills. I myself i'm hoping to find a man that does not shy away from the kitchen.

munhu... said...

Nyenyedzi Mazvikokota firstly I reckon you did right by The Comeback Miss. Vimbz not to worry too much about culinary skills they are a nice to have - you raise a subject that am certain would be a huge conversation fueller - the former love whose dalliance with one finds engraved upon their mind and persona. that one lover from nomatter how long ago you will never forget...yes could be for what an ass they were but what of when it is for what a star they were...the endearing moan they made when you hit that spot, the way they said your name, the way they smelt, the things you did and the places you know; what happens when those memories assail - is it a betrayal of what you have now. should you feel guilty for acknowledging what you once had even though there is nothing wrong with what you have now? Life !!!

Vimbai said...

Super star: 6 months, inga the love came back with renewed vigour!

And you quoted Mr Darcy...*sigh*, if i could find my own Mr Darcy, trust me, i would chain myself to kitchen and get my cook-on, lol. 10 points for clearly reading Pride & Prejudice!

Tigress: Aren't men who cook uber sexy! But don't be fooled my friend, if its an African man making all this cuisine, trust me, he will revert back to the "old" ways and expect you to take over, sooner rather than later.

Munhu: Memories tend to get blown out of proportion from time to time! There's nothing wrong about thinking back briefly and then letting that memory go. If you find yourself perpetually chilling in 1998 or 2005 becoz of a memory, specifically a romantic memory, then chances are you have some letting go to do.

Super star! said...

Well, 10 points to you for realizing chains are a great accessory in the kitchen, good for COOK-on's . :-)

I need to buy the menu book..