Don’t be misled by my subject title, I have not become the spokesperson for all things Coca-Cola but after I wax lyrical about how great the stuff is, there better be a proposal or some sort of endorsement deal coming my way!
I’m sure everyone is well acquainted with Coke’s refreshing qualities, as tasty as it is, that’s not why it’s currently my raison d’etre. I’m more hooked on its medicinal properties!
You see, there’s been some serious stomach bug doing the rounds, this ish is real! Nothing like getting woken up in the middle of the night by the thunderous churning of one’s stomach. What amazes me the most, is how quickly its getting around, my mates have it, my family has it and even Blondie from across the Limpopo had it. The numbers keep growing, we may just have an epidemic on our hands, if that’s the case then I have an antidote;
My remedy = A glass of Coca Cola + 1/2 tsp of Salt (Can I get an Amen!)
On the real, it works! Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it!
Whilst the Coca Cola was working its magic, I had 5hrs of Oscar watching to keep me company during my recuperation. Ordinarily, my attention span would start to wane after the 15th minute but that Jon Stewart had me in fits of giggles throughout (giggling is not recommended during times of stomach trouble).
During the lengthy ad breaks, I came up with an outline for my very own Oscar Acceptance Speech.
This is my breakdown of how it would go down:
1) Feign surprise when my name is called out. Accept kisses and hugs from my entourage or anyone within arm’s reach.
2) Carefully navigate my way in my Vera Wang/Roberto Cavalli/Christian Dior [am still undecided] gown, all the while shaking my head in mock disbelief.
3)Accept the award from the previous year’s Best Male Actor winner and try to sneak in some mild lip action in the process, hehehe.
4) Look misty-eyed but still together and then start rambling off a whole list of names of the people who helped make it all happen, mainly those on my payroll.
5) Mention loved ones and family last in sentimental, wispy tones (cue one rolling tear on left cheek for dramatic effect).
6) Lastly, send a shout out to my countrymen & women in my mother tongue, something alone the lines of Chalize’s. “I’m bringing it home Africa” whilst shaking my Oscar in the air, triumphantly for extra emphasis.
7) Turn and get led off stage by previous year’s Best Male Actor winner, who’s trying to pitch me the outline of a new fabulous script all the while trying to cop a feel too (all in a day’s work people, all in a day’s work).
8) Cue music, dim lights…. and cut!
Well, that’s the rough draft anyway…as you can see, I haven’t given it much thought :-)
Let me pour myself another glass of Coke, I can hear the rumblings begin.