Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Ex Files: The Selflessness of an Ex

Here’s a quick one for y’all: Let’s have a nice show of hands of people who would be willing to hook up any of their recent exes with mutual friends, in the interest of both parties?

Methinks not many hands went up :-)

Like me, I fear most of you would be willing to see hell freeze over before any of your exes hooked up/swapped bodily liquids/ put a down payment on a house with any of your close girl or guy friends.

As petty as it is, it’s a territorial instinct most of us haven’t been able to shake, even after centuries of evolution it’s still very much present in modern day men and women…but I get the feeling that some of the more evolved amongst us are now opting to bypass this hard wiring, well, if my conversation last night with a friend is anything to go by.

Let me set the scenario.

I have a friend, let me call her, HER (I know, zero points for originality) and she had recently broken up with on-again/off-again, long-time love that I will refer to as HIM. Now we both have a mutual girl friend that I’ll call CHICK.

HER called me to notify that her & HIM were kaput, they had danced their long dance and after agonising over all of it, they were done cause they realised they were just different people. I was quite saddened by the news; they always looked like they’d sail off into the horizon together. Anywho, HER had got it into her head that HIM and CHICK would make a great couple because she truly believed that HIM not only like CHICK like that but also cared about her general well-being.

This is the part I got all confused. Ummm, the average person would blow a fuse if their knew their significant other not only was secretly (or in this case, not so secretly) crushing on someone else, but was really and truly concerned about that person’s well being. Most of us would be asking, "So what am i, chopped liver?"

But like I said, we clearly aren’t dealing with the average person, but a more progressive being who has the capacity to see past their own hurts and disappointments and bring together two people, who she suspects are very compatible with each other.

Freaking heck, if that’s not selflessness, then I’m not sure what to call it then. But i'll tell you this, I'm bloody impressed with the way she thinks, makes me realise i've got a lot of growing up to do!

I think Simply Red said it best in their appropriately titled song “Ain’t that A Lot of Love.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I’ve got my Coke & my two-step…oh, and my Oscar Acceptance Speech!

Don’t be misled by my subject title, I have not become the spokesperson for all things Coca-Cola but after I wax lyrical about how great the stuff is, there better be a proposal or some sort of endorsement deal coming my way!

I’m sure everyone is well acquainted with Coke’s refreshing qualities, as tasty as it is, that’s not why it’s currently my raison d’etre. I’m more hooked on its medicinal properties!

You see, there’s been some serious stomach bug doing the rounds, this ish is real! Nothing like getting woken up in the middle of the night by the thunderous churning of one’s stomach. What amazes me the most, is how quickly its getting around, my mates have it, my family has it and even Blondie from across the Limpopo had it. The numbers keep growing, we may just have an epidemic on our hands, if that’s the case then I have an antidote;

My remedy = A glass of Coca Cola + 1/2 tsp of Salt (Can I get an Amen!)

On the real, it works! Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it!

Whilst the Coca Cola was working its magic, I had 5hrs of Oscar watching to keep me company during my recuperation. Ordinarily, my attention span would start to wane after the 15th minute but that Jon Stewart had me in fits of giggles throughout (giggling is not recommended during times of stomach trouble).

During the lengthy ad breaks, I came up with an outline for my very own Oscar Acceptance Speech.

This is my breakdown of how it would go down:

1) Feign surprise when my name is called out. Accept kisses and hugs from my entourage or anyone within arm’s reach.

2) Carefully navigate my way in my Vera Wang/Roberto Cavalli/Christian Dior [am still undecided] gown, all the while shaking my head in mock disbelief.

3)Accept the award from the previous year’s Best Male Actor winner and try to sneak in some mild lip action in the process, hehehe.

4) Look misty-eyed but still together and then start rambling off a whole list of names of the people who helped make it all happen, mainly those on my payroll.

5) Mention loved ones and family last in sentimental, wispy tones (cue one rolling tear on left cheek for dramatic effect).

6) Lastly, send a shout out to my countrymen & women in my mother tongue, something alone the lines of Chalize’s. “I’m bringing it home Africa” whilst shaking my Oscar in the air, triumphantly for extra emphasis.

7) Turn and get led off stage by previous year’s Best Male Actor winner, who’s trying to pitch me the outline of a new fabulous script all the while trying to cop a feel too (all in a day’s work people, all in a day’s work).

8) Cue music, dim lights…. and cut!

Well, that’s the rough draft anyway…as you can see, I haven’t given it much thought :-)

Let me pour myself another glass of Coke, I can hear the rumblings begin.

Monday, February 25, 2008

You - Unedited & Uncensored

This past weekend some of my mates and I were grabbing some food when I got that distinct feeling that someone was staring at me. And sure enough, I looked up locked eyes with a balding male in his early 40’s sitting on the table across from us. I didn’t recognise the bloke and wrote it off in my head as someone who was hoping to get lucky on a Saturday afternoon.

Thing is, I thought he would get the general idea himself that I wasn’t interested but when I looked up, he was still doing the staring, unblinking thing which was now just downright spooky and unnerving. I was now determined to not look his way so he would get the idea.

A few minutes later, one of my girl friends was now whispering to the rest of the table that that very same dude was not only staring hard but also winking so to. The guys on my table found this hilarious, us girls weren’t impressed.

It was only when the balding guy and his friends got up to leave the restaurant (and balding guy literally stood right by our table for 30 seconds…just staring) that one of my guy mates finally looked up and clocked a good look at our newly acquired stalker.

My mate then explained he knew the guy and that he was acting weird coz a few years ago he was involved in some crazy accident that messed up his frontal brain lobe (or something to that effect) so now he went through life pretty unedited and uncensored, so if he saw a chick he found attractive he didn’t think twice of letting her know just how he felt whether or not it made the female uncomfortable or that it was inappropriate. He was also known for saying exactly what he felt like to those around him, which made him pretty unpopular, especially if his “condition” wasn’t explained in advance!

This got me thinking.

Our lives are pretty much dictated and revolved around social courtesies, niceties and pretenses. We’ve been taught not to speak our minds in case we insult those around us; so our individual feelings of anger and frustration are suppressed at the cost of appeasing the greater good.

Nevertheless, there are those who would also argue that social protocol has its place too, it’s what separates us from the animals or our historic predecessors, or we’d be back in caveman days where guys wouldn’t think twice before knocking a pretty girl over the head in order to sneak off to do God-knows-what with her.

Just imagine if you spent one day, unedited & uncensored, what kind of conversations would take place;

Boss: So do you mind working overtime on that report today, I know it’s short notice but you can take one for the team right?
Employee: &^%* @$!% %!@!@ *$#$#!

Chick to her Bloke: “How do I look in these jeans, now be honest.”
Bloke: “Like a beached whale…but hey, that’s just my opinion.”

I have no idea why honesty (no matter how sincerely & sweetly conveyed) eventually ends up creating a situation based on conflict ? How can such a positive attribute turn ugly, so quickly, when applied to most situations? Human beings don’t seem to appreciate the truth; we would rather hear/believe what we want to hear/believe or a remixed, sugarcoated version of the story.

As Jack Nicholson’s character in A Few Good Men said, “You can’t handle the Truth.”

Let me know what y'all think?

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Sunday Night Poetry II

“I saw a man pursuing the horizon”

I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this,
I accosted the man.
“It is futile,” I said,
“You can never-”

“You lie,” he cried,
And ran on.

Stephen Crane



The day he moved out wash terrible –
That evening she went through hell.
His absence wasn’t a problem
But the corkscrew had gone as well.

Wendy Cope


This Be The Verse

They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f*cked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time where soppy stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin


Celia, Celia

When I am sad and weary
When I think all hope is gone
When I walk along High Holborn
I think of you with nothing on

Adrian Mitchell

Thursday, February 21, 2008

"Psychosomatic,addict, insane"

My subconscious is renowned for throwing the most random stuff into my dreams! If I break down the dream into its parts, I can understand where I got the references from, but when it’s all mish-mashed together into the sum of these parts, it’s just downright ridiculous!

Last nights dream had me rolling over this morning proclaiming to no one in particular, “WTF?”

*Big gulp*

I dreamt that I was at a Celine Dion concert (???) having an in-depth conversation with a girl, who I’d last spoken to or seen in junior school, about how Celine’s “Falling Into You” album was the best ever (????). This coupled with the fact that I was seated in a lecture theatre that looked uncannily like Leslie 2D from varsity days, eavesdropping on some conversation going on behind me about how David “The Hoff” Hasslehoff was the guy providing the lifts that evening for everyone to get home.

There was more, but I think that’s enough to illustrate why drugs and alcohol are not necessary in my life when on a sober day, my mind can come up with ish like that!

Now to pose a random questions to you, the readers, “Can you ever be too old to learn a new trick/skill.” You see, I am mustering the courage to take a trip to my neighbour’s (who I’ve never spoken to) to ask for piano lessons. It’s on my Things To Do before I Kick the Bucket list, but I’m kind of nervous I’ll suck, hahaha.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Pretty Little Words to Alleviate The Boredom & Pass the Time

With the lovely free time on my hands, i've been doing a lot of reading...possibly TOO much reading. I am reading 3 books as we speak, well concurrently. The one is about Notorious Women (wow, there were some bad a*s women back in the day), the some crime thriller based in Venice (can't remember the title, something about a Sea of Troubles) and something for the soul with some Paulo Coelho thrown in the mix.

All this reading material is courtesy of my new gal pal who generously gave me a place to lay my resting head after i consumed most of her wine, danced around her living room and couldn't bring myself to drive myself home...what a gal!

That said, i thought i would share some poems that caught my eye. Enjoy

I Didn’t Go To Church Today

I didn’t go to church today,
I trust the Lord to understand.
The surf was swirling blue and white,
The children swirling on the sand.
He knows, he knows how brief my stay,
How brief the spell of summer weather,
He knows when I am said and done
We’ll have plenty of time together.

Ogden Nash

He Tells Her (for Ruth B.)

He tells her that the Earth is flat -
He knows the facts,
and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong.
But he has learned to argue well.
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win.
He stands his ground.

The planet goes on being round.

Wendy Cope


Lots of Things

Lots of things
can be laughable
such as
kissing my phone
when I have heard
your voice in it.

Not to kiss my phone
when I cannot kiss you
would be
still more laughable
and sadder.

Erich Fried


Happy the Man

Happy the man, and happy he alone,
He who can call today his own:
He who, secure within, can say,
Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today.
Be fair or foul or rain or shine
The joys I have possessed, in spite of fate, are mine.
Not Heaven itself upon the past has power,
But what has been, has been, and I have had my hour.

John Dryden
Translation of Horace, Odes, Book III, xxix

Friday, February 15, 2008

Post Valentines Day Monologue & Another Meme

Blogger was definitely not my Valentines yesterday! I couldn’t post anything or even comment on any other blogs, hmmph!

Ah well, that just meant more time for me to oooh & ah over my gifts & flowers from my honey (thank you babe!).

Otherwise, it was business as usual yesterday, being the rebel-without-a-cause that I am reputed to be *splutter splutter*, I didn’t wear any red, it was green all the way baby, how bad a*s am I, hahahaha.

Love Poem

Sharing one umbrella
We had to hold each other
Round the waist to keep together.
You ask me why I’m smiling
It’s because I’m thinking
I want it to rain for ever.

Vicki Feaver


I was tagged by Ruby AND Blondie to do this meme, so here it goes;

The rules are as follows:
# Link to the person who tagged you
# Post the rules on your blog.
# Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
# Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
# Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.

1) I can recite & reenact the dialogue, songs & dance moves from The Wizard of Oz. This is may all time favourite movie and I’ve probably watched it over a hundred times and never get sick of it.

2) According to my mother, my first word, as a child was “toilet”, don’t ask! While everyone else was saying Mama & Dada, I was calling out for the latrine. Suffice to say, I was potty-trained in record-breaking time!]

3) I own a lot of shoes, 41 pairs and counting to be exact. I should be ashamed of this fact, or so I’ve been told, but you know what…I sleep easy every night J

4) I hate beetroot, can’t stand the stuff. It always tastes like its got bits of soil stuck in it no matter where I eat it or how it’s prepared.

5) I secretly wish I could cut all my hair off and never have to bother with figuring out how to control it every morning. Sadly, there are two problems with this fantasy…a) I have a terribly shaped head for going bald purposes that is, well meaning friends have advised me on countless times NOT to do it…ever and b) I just want to see what it looks like then get my hair back like 15mins after, and seeing as that’s not a possibility, the hair stays.

6) I am well versed in technical figure skating lingo and am an amateur critic for the sport (yes, it is a sport). I can tell a masterful triple-toe loop from a crap one.

7) I really love cycads, random, but there it is.

Seeing as my usual tag buddies have already done this, I am only going to tag two people”

Stripped Bare
Don’t Believe A Word I Write

Have a great weekend chicas and chicos

V x

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Mistaken Identity

Today I had to pay a visit to the local cop-shop to sort out some “admin” issues. I hate dealing with civil servants ANYWHERE, I had to mentally psyche myself up before leaving the house. I dragged my little brother along with me for company (there is safety in numbers, right).

I got to the joint, the first thing that struck me as strange was that every cop we walked past greeted my brother and he seemed to know them all…on a first name basis actually.

After throwing the youngster a WTF-look I was told that said-cops are regulars in the neighbourhood and the club scene patrolling the general area & making sure that everyone is behaving like upstanding citizens (read: they’re always lurking around the clubs, preying on the younger kids for cash and, if spoken to nicely, can turn a blind eye on underage drinking or make some trouble for the haterz in the club) – Only in Africa mate.

Everything was going well until I was told to get some receipt from some dodgy looking office round the back. My feel-good mood balked as soon I walked into the little dodgy office and sitting by the desk was Female Cop sneering back up at me, I oath, she looked at me with a face full of scorn like I had taken a bite out of the lunch she had sitting on her desk.

Wordlessly I handed her my papers so she could make out the receipt, but before she’d even looked at them she’d turned to her audience (2 other female cops and 1 male cop) and launched into an attack, in Shona, along the lines of, “Look at this Coloured chick here who has the audacity to interrupt my lunch, I’m going to make her wait.”

She then looked down at my paper, looked really confused then looked back at me and said, almost questioningly, “Oh, you are Black?!.”

After affirming that I was indeed Black (and proud) and throwing in some Shona just for added measure, lets just say, I got no more attitude. In fact, from that moment on, Female Cop was downright polite and almost freaking cordial!

It made me feel sorry for any non-Black people paying Female Cop a visit any time soon, that couldn’t be pretty. Everywhere else in Africa (and the world for that matter), its generally the other way round, you’re given a hard time because you are black. However, even in its reverse, it still didn’t sit too well even when it was me getting the preferential treatment. In an ideal world, a person getting a receipt, would just be a person getting a receipt innit.

Female Cop’s audience still looked confused and unconvinced by my affirmation and after getting my receipt I wasn’t about to stick around and map out my family tree to persuade them as to the authentication of my heritage.

I came to the conclusion years ago that those who know, know and everyone else who needs convincing is just wasting my time.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Sunday Night Poetry I

I own way too many poetry books than is possibly necessary and what good are they unless they are shared.

Please feel free to refer me to any great poems you like, I’m always searching for lesser-known-but –just-as-great poems or even your own stuff.

V x

Born free
to be caught
and fashioned
and shaped
and freed to wander
a caged dream
of tears

Merle Collins



Maybe we knew each other better
When the night was young and unrepeated
And the moon stood still over Jericho.

So much for the past; in the present
There are moments caught between heart-beats
When maybe we know each other better.

But what is this clinking in the darkness?
Maybe we will know each other better
When the tunnels meet beneath the mountain.

Louis McNeice


An Epilogue

I have seen flowers come in stony places
And kind things done by men with ugly faces.
And the gold cup won by the worst horse at the races,
So I trust, too.

John Masefield

Friday, February 08, 2008

Pigs Have Flown

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I hearby solemnly eat my words, you see, a few days ago I left a comment on Joe Black’s blog regarding the rumours surrounding an imminent visit from R’n B crooner Joe Thomas. You could say that I was a Doubting Thomas (mind the pun)!

I said that Pigs would Fly when such an event took place, and after my youngest sibling’s sighting of said-crooner with entourage chowing Nandos at a popular hangout, thus confirming what i thought was not possible, its safe to say that pigs are flying high today.

My disbelief was not unwarranted, for years we’ve been promised such-and-such a star would be coming through, from the likes of Usher to Ms Beyonce herself. So Joe was just another name in a long list of promises…well that was until he actually pitched up.

I’m not a Joe Thomas fan, aside from the handful of commercial hits the guy has spewed out like 7-8yrs ago. I was never happy with the fact the man was always singing about other men’s women and how he could treat them better than their current love interests.

Sing about your own women dude!

And at Zim$800million a pop for a ticket (ummm, about USD$120 or R840) I KNOW I can definitely sit this concert out J

Have a great weekend people,
V x

Thursday, February 07, 2008

40 days & 40 nights

Guys, how are we 2 days into Lent and me ultra-oblivious up until earlier today when I was getting grilled by a relative as to my absence in a certain church on a certain Wednesday, Ash Wednesday that is. I may be more bummed that I didn’t realise it was Pancake Tuesday, no worries, I will make up for it tomorrow, hehehe.

I like the idea of 40 days and 40 nights of reflecting, purification and generally trying to remain a do-gooder to make amends for the rest of the 300-odd days spent misbehaving and the like. I personally believe, that every day should be Lent but baby-steps first I guess, I still find it hard to get through 40 days without throwing in a whole year into the mix.

Everyone always wants to know what you’ve given up, usually to lead you into a conversation with them which usually starts with them declaring with utter-smugness how they’ve given up meat, carbs and are living on a staple diet of carrot soup. These kind of people should stay far away from me, thank you very much.

I remember in varsity a mate of mine giving up alcohol for Lent, which we all thought was rather commendable seeing as she was rather fond of the bottle, only to take up The Herb (aka weed/grass/mbanje/marijuana) for the duration of Lent instead, lol. I am still hoping there was some sort of method in that madness.

Personally, I don’t do the whole fasting thing, my self-control is rubbish when it comes up to giving up food. I would address ways I could become a better individual spiritually and what-not. This year, I’m doing away with Fear! It’s amazing how I can work myself into a knot about anything and everything, to say I am high strung, is being polite. So that’s what I am working on for the next 40…oops, now 38 days and counting.

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself
how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before,
it seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal

Lately I'm beginning to find that
I should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Incubus – “Drive”

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Those who live in Glass Houses shouldn’t throw Stones

Tsk tsk,

It seems there are those in the blogging world who are speaking ill of me and those of my ilk. Quite frankly, I am a bit puzzled, you see….i never claimed I would be writing some awe-defying passages in my blog, if my memory serves me correct (and I must warn you, most of time it does), I specifically wrote in my blog profile that:

“this blog is for venting purposes and is a place where i can release pent-up creative energy. So expect a lot of random blog posts.”

I did not promise monolithic diatribes regarding the current state of my country and all events relating to it. If you want to hear how many times the power has been cut this week, how long the water has gone for, how much food costs, be sure to drop me a line, and I will make available my personal statistics as soon as I can.

You see, my blog is a form of escapism, a place were I get to say what I want and do what I want. It’s a place were I just get to be a regular twenty-something year old whose life is NOT bogged down or dictated by the perils of one’s present circumstance.

What confuses me the most is that those who seem to have a lot to say, have blogs similar to mine, content-wise that is – The pot calling the kettle black and all that jazz.

Bottom Line: If my blog offends you/irritates you /gives you suicidal thoughts at any point in time…close the browser window, take a big deep breath and you’re set for life, you never have to see my blog again.

To everyone else who visits my blog and has yet to feel nauseous when doing so, thanks and feel free to drop a line or a comment any time.

V x

Monday, February 04, 2008

"Shine Your Heavenly Body Tonight"

Thanks to W reminding me of some cringe-worthy childhood memory, i now have Madonna's "Immaculate Collection" running through my head. At the moment i have, "Lucky Star" but i have a feeling that its going to be quickly replaced by, "Cherish" in....well, now!

So, i am STILL trying to leave my ex-place of employment, last Thursday was my official day but i clearly underestimated the paper work and all manner of signing-off so here i am today, hopefully for the last time.

I am kind of happy to go for many reasons but there are two things i will miss the most, my mates and my laptop...especially the laptop. Nina (my laptop) and i have been through a lot together...crazy viruses, dodgy batteries, ah the memories my friends the memories. I have done 95% of my blogging on Nina so excuse while i sniffle into my kleenex and reminisce.

Sadly the end is nigh, and i WILL (yes, this is me convincing myself) hand her in before management starts noticing my shady behaviour.

The weekend was aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaite. Nothing like being plunged into darkness for two days to get that party spirit going..umm, not. My sleep debt is currently falling into credit (eish, i'm not sure if i used this expression properly, i was always shyte at accounts, i even attempted to play poker by myself to pass the time...yah, it was tight!

Friday, February 01, 2008

"Slap My Thigh and Call Me Sally Britney"

"Papa i'm a millionaire,
Sax 5th Ave don't sell affection.
Papa i'm a millionaire,
but i ain't moving in the right direction,
Something ain't right"

Never in a gazillion years did i EVER think that any conversation with father would begin with him asking me, "So what's going on with that Britney girl?."

Guys, i nearly choked on my breakfast? WTF?

My father is a typical old-school African man, ie, totally oblivious to the lives and loves of the Hollywood sect. More importantly, he couldn't be bothered with such nonsense after all it doesn't change the price of bread does it. But even he couldn't ignore the walking disaster that is Ms Spears after all, its splashed all over the news and seeing that the news channel and the sports channel are the only places i've seen my dad navigate on the remote, he was bound to hear about her.

I, on the other hand, can't help but be fascinated with such rubbish. Yes, i know i shouldn't and that it doesn't affect anyone's lives, but its addictive.

I had to supress my urge to squeal and in my head best formulate the best way to summerise The Downfall & Demise of Ms Spears under 2 minutes or i'd lose his attention. As i began to brief my dad on Britney 101 i realised the utter absurdity of the things i was saying and just how bad the situation is with this girl.

Phrases like, "She shaved her head", "She bought her car recently in her wedding dress" and "She's usually high on Crystal Meth" shouldn't really appear in normal conversation. That's when i really started feeling bad (yes, i know i shouldn't care but its hard to see someone being so self-destructive even if its someone so far removed from my life).

After my brief synopsis, my father was already bored with the whole conversation and stated, "She's basically a nutter then," before switching over to one of the sports channel.

I was left thinking, "Nah, she's just someone who has made a lot of mistakes and needs a huge time-out...that and an African mother to hit her upside the head to knock some sense into her, that would definitely do the trick!".

"What's a girl to do when she just has dimes, no time, just play.
What's a girl to do instead of me it's you'll be true,
What's a girl to do in a world of greed but kneel and pray.
What's a girl to do when she's lost her long time friends, that's life."
Kelis feat Andre 3000 - "Millionaire"

On a lighter note let me wish you all (i couldn't bring myself to write y'all) a 'm outtie, have a fabulous weekend everyone!

V x