I'd imagined many ways i would spend Christmas Eve, most of them involved consuming a bottle of something-something whilst belting out my favourite Christmas carol, "O Holy Night" at full volume* in the company of friends and loved ones But spending the evening taking meds that numb the brain, drinking copious amounts of lemon tea and watching really bad B-grade christmas movies is not how i thought it would go down...
My siblings, who have taken sharing to new heights, have given me flu for christmas (thanks guys). They must have heard incorrectly when i was belting out another of my fave christmas tunes, "All i want for christmas" and mistook the "yoooooooooooooou" part for "fluuuuuuuuuuuuuu".
So tis the night before Christmas and i'm riddled with hot and cold feverish flushes and nasal tones that kermit the frog would be so proud of.
I am secure in the knowledge that i've been good ALL year and that if Santa knows what's good for him, he'll reward me accordingly.
So i'll wish you all a Merry Christmas for tomorrow and leave you with one of my favourite christmas poems, its kinda long, but try and read it till the end.
*I would be belting out The Mariah Carey version of "O Holy Night" i would have you know, with all the high trilly notes that i can't reach but try my darndest to do so anyway.
Baking a loaf of bread.
An angel flew in the window'
We've a job for you,' he said.
'God in his big gold heaven
Sitting in his big blue chair,
Wanted a mother for his little son.
Suddenly saw you there.'
Mary shook and trembled,
'It isn't true what you say.
''Don't say that,' said the angel.
'The baby's on its way.'
Joseph was in the workshop
Planing a piece of wood.
'The old man's past it,' the neighbours said.
'That girls been up to no good.''
And who was that elegant fellow,
'They said. 'in the shiny gear?'
The things they said about Gabriel
Were hardly fit to hear.
Mary never answered,
Mary never replied.
She kept the information,
Like the baby, safe inside.
It was the election winter.
They went to vote in the town.
When Mary found her time had come
The hotels let her down.
The baby was born in an annexe
Next to the local pub.
At midnight, a delegation
Turned up from the Farmers' club.
They talked about an explosion
Said they'd been sent to the Lamb and Flag
To see God come down from on high.
A few days later a bishop
And a five-star general were seen
With the head of an African country
In a bullet-proof limousine.
'We've come,' they said 'with tokens
For the little boy to choose.'
Told the tale about war and peace
In the television news.
After them cam the soldiers
With rifle and bombs and gun,
Looking for enemies of the state.
The family had packed up and gone.
When they got back to the village
The neighbours said, to a man,
'That boy will never be one of us,
Though he does what he blessed well can.'
He went round to all the people
A paper crown on his head.
Here is some bread from my father.
Take, eat, he said.
Nobody seemed very hungry.
Nobody seemed to care.
Nobody saw the god in himself
Quietly standing there.
He finished up in the papers.
He came to a very bad end.
No man was that prisoner's friend.
There's only one kind of punishment
To fit that kind of crime.
They rigged a trial and shot him dead.
They were only just in time.
They lifted the young man by the leg,
Thy lifted him by the arm,
They locked him in a cathedral
In case he came to harm.
They stored him safe as water
Under seven rocks.
One Sunday morning he burst out
Like a jack-in-the-box.
Through the town he went walking.
He showed them the holes in his head.
Now do you want any loaves? He cried.
'Not today' they said.