Monday, December 24, 2007

'Twas the night before Christmas...

I'd imagined many ways i would spend Christmas Eve, most of them involved consuming a bottle of something-something whilst belting out my favourite Christmas carol, "O Holy Night" at full volume* in the company of friends and loved ones But spending the evening taking meds that numb the brain, drinking copious amounts of lemon tea and watching really bad B-grade christmas movies is not how i thought it would go down...

My siblings, who have taken sharing to new heights, have given me flu for christmas (thanks guys). They must have heard incorrectly when i was belting out another of my fave christmas tunes, "All i want for christmas" and mistook the "yoooooooooooooou" part for "fluuuuuuuuuuuuuu".

So tis the night before Christmas and i'm riddled with hot and cold feverish flushes and nasal tones that kermit the frog would be so proud of.

I am secure in the knowledge that i've been good ALL year and that if Santa knows what's good for him, he'll reward me accordingly.

So i'll wish you all a Merry Christmas for tomorrow and leave you with one of my favourite christmas poems, its kinda long, but try and read it till the end.


*I would be belting out The Mariah Carey version of "O Holy Night" i would have you know, with all the high trilly notes that i can't reach but try my darndest to do so anyway.

Ballad of the Breadman - George Causley

Mary stood in the kitchen
Baking a loaf of bread.
An angel flew in the window'
We've a job for you,' he said.

'God in his big gold heaven
Sitting in his big blue chair,
Wanted a mother for his little son.
Suddenly saw you there.'

Mary shook and trembled,
'It isn't true what you say.
''Don't say that,' said the angel.
'The baby's on its way.'

Joseph was in the workshop
Planing a piece of wood.
'The old man's past it,' the neighbours said.
'That girls been up to no good.''

And who was that elegant fellow,
'They said. 'in the shiny gear?'
The things they said about Gabriel
Were hardly fit to hear.

Mary never answered,
Mary never replied.
She kept the information,
Like the baby, safe inside.

It was the election winter.
They went to vote in the town.
When Mary found her time had come
The hotels let her down.

The baby was born in an annexe
Next to the local pub.
At midnight, a delegation
Turned up from the Farmers' club.

They talked about an explosion
That made a hole on the sky,
Said they'd been sent to the Lamb and Flag
To see God come down from on high.

A few days later a bishop
And a five-star general were seen
With the head of an African country
In a bullet-proof limousine.

'We've come,' they said 'with tokens
For the little boy to choose.'
Told the tale about war and peace
In the television news.

After them cam the soldiers
With rifle and bombs and gun,
Looking for enemies of the state.
The family had packed up and gone.

When they got back to the village
The neighbours said, to a man,
'That boy will never be one of us,
Though he does what he blessed well can.'

He went round to all the people
A paper crown on his head.
Here is some bread from my father.
Take, eat, he said.

Nobody seemed very hungry.
Nobody seemed to care.
Nobody saw the god in himself
Quietly standing there.

He finished up in the papers.
He came to a very bad end.
He was charged with bringing the living to life.
No man was that prisoner's friend.

There's only one kind of punishment
To fit that kind of crime.
They rigged a trial and shot him dead.
They were only just in time.

They lifted the young man by the leg,
Thy lifted him by the arm,
They locked him in a cathedral
In case he came to harm.

They stored him safe as water
Under seven rocks.
One Sunday morning he burst out
Like a jack-in-the-box.

Through the town he went walking.
He showed them the holes in his head.
Now do you want any loaves? He cried.
'Not today' they said.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Fa La La La La

Rumour has it that Christmas is *does quick mental calculation on fingers* a whole 5 days away. Yay!

I'm officially done with work tomorrow but truth be told, i had got into the holiday spirit a whole month ago :-) Some may call this extreme slacker behaviour, i call it "getting into the festive way of things". I can't wait to sleep-in every morning, stuff myself silly with very bad, but very delicious food and most importantly, hang out with friends and family.

I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas and for the more agnostic among you, "Happy Holidays".

"A Christmas Poem" - Wendy Cope

"At Christmas little children sing and merry bells jingle,
The cold winter air makes our hands and faces tingle
And happy families go to church and cheerily they mingle
And the whole business is unbelievably dreadful, if you're single."

* Image courtesy of i-delicious

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Lesson Learned

"Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned but i called it lesson learned.
My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned.
Another lesson learned.... "

I don’t care what anyone says, Alicia Key’s new album, “As I Am” is freaking amazing!

Everyday I find a track off of it to fall in love with all over again, yesterday’s track was, “Go Ahead”, a thumping anthem to start the day with. Today’s track is “Lesson Learned”, I know Thabi is feeling me with this one here.

I love what the song is about and I love that John Mayer is on this track.

Alicia Keys + John Mayer = Vimbai in ecstatic bliss

I thought I would share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned from the last few days:

1) Most 10 year olds are obnoxious brats especially ones that were brought up badly. Sadly, you cannot undo a decade of faulty upbringing over 3 days so don’t even bother.

Rather ignore the constant pleading for money & Christmas presents (i mean, wtf?) and keep reminding yourself that

a) He’s only 10yrs old,
b) He’s leaving….soon and
c) Tis the season of Peace and Reconciliation and committing homicide doesn’t really encourage this festive theme.

2) Spraying four cans of insecticide in, on and a under a car still won’t rid it of pesky spiders!

3) If you are the last person to get out of bed after three females have spent on average 15mins each showering, there will definitely be no hot water left. A tepid drizzle will fast become your new friend. Sadly there is some truth in the saying, “The early bird gets the first worm, or in this case, the hot water.”

4) Make sure you know exactly who is visiting before you strut into the lounge in all manner of dress or undress with crazy hair to match *cringe/blush*

5) It’s easier to reach Level 10 of Tetris if you start on Level 5 rather than Level 1 (yes, the office is boring).

6) Make sure nosy siblings are out of ear-range while you and your honey swap all sorts of terms of endearment on the phone otherwise you will mocked senseless once you get off the phone.

Okay, those are my pearls of wisdom for the day. I shall return to my game of Tetris which should wile away time till lunchtime.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Blimey O'Reilly

I didn’t so much drive to work today than wade in the streets with an automobile. The streets have morphed into mini-rivers, I’m guessing our drought of the last 5 odd years is over. Now I know Mae West would argue that, “Too much of a good thing is wonderful” but I am having my doubts…before I jinx our weather, let me knock on wood and just admire the incessant rainfall outside.

So I have a theory regarding spiders, I think they really like R Kelly’s “Chocolate Factory” album. I’m being serious. I previously mentioned that a nest of spiders had taken over my car, it was a dire hostage situation of note (that 2 bottles of insecticide sorted out pretty quickly).

What I forgot to mention though was that the little critters only used to launch out of their crooks and crannies only, and I have to stress ONLY, when I was playing music by Robert Kelly in my car.

Coincidence, I think not! He may be the Pied Piper of R’n’B & Underage Girls but it appears he’s the Pied Piper of the Spider Nation too, eish.

And for some good news: It appears I have found myself new gainful employment, yay! I was adamant that come 2008 I couldn’t be were I was, just from a growth & development point of view. After much back and forth, i handed in my resignation letter. Even though this was what i had been dreaming to do since this August, it was a bit of an anti-climax...i didnt feel relief, more like the numbness of ending a doomed relationship. Ah well, their loss :-)

“Let go to get one,
Lose some to win some,
Story of a champion
Sorry I’m a champion
You lost one.”

Jay-Z feat Chrisette Michele – “Lost Ones”

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Dear 13 year old Me

Lordy, it’s the month of memes indeed! I got tagged by Natalie and thought I could hold off doing this till like Friday but what the heck, here it goes. (I pray this is the last of these meme things for a while)
Dear 13yr old Me

I bet you’re a bit relieved to see I’m coming to you with pearls of wisdom, we’ve never been good with suspense have we, our motto has always been, “Tell me how it ends and I will handle the bits in between.” This letter is not so much about telling you the ending (‘cause I’m praying I’ve got at least another 50yrs of life in me yet) but rather a heads-up about some things.

You’ve just got through Form 1 and probably realise you like high school and that you are cut out for boarding school (although you technically live 5mins away, so I guess there’s no point at being homesick innit). I am happy to point out that you’ll love the next 5 years of it too, you will eventually count it as the best years of your life. Of courses you will go to varsity and have a fabulous time there, but high school is where you will find your rocks, your closest friends although its good to know you will acquire some besties outside of high-school too.

Although all you wish for at this point is to grow up and get all this over and done with, you will appreciate what a larny, sheltered life you really did/do have. Living in a bubble does have its benefits and when you unleash yourself on the big bad world, you’ll realise that its just as well you took your time.

You know how some people really, really hate high-school (I can name about two of them you know right now), you’ll always love it because that’s were you’re going to meet the best friends a girl could ask for and learn some life lessons that only that time-frame can teach you.

I’ve listed in point form (don’t we just love writing those lists) just a few things to give you a bit of a heads-up.

1. No matter what mum tells you, I am sorry to say your boobs WON’T get any bigger than they are right now…seriously. So deal with it because it eventually does work out, fashion-wise that is.

2. Enjoy your 20-20 vision right now because some genetic anomaly will bless you with less than stellar vision five years time, so take a good hard look now.

3. The friends you have right now, will still be your friends right now too…a few extras will come along the way, but don’t take for granted the ones staring you in the face.

4. No matter how hard you pray, you are still going to grow at least another 5cm’s taller. And even though you are adamant you will date anyone shorter than you, you will, so get over it.

5. Chase your dreams even when pooh-poohed, very few people have the capacity to dream like you, just make sure you make things happen too.

6. People close to you will die, that’s inevitable and unstoppable so stop worrying about when they will leave you, rather enjoy them while they’re there with you.

7. Don’t listen to Miss (Can’t bloody remember her name now), the Art Teacher, who will tell you that you can’t bloody well draw. She’s just a miserable wench who suffers from her own drawing inferiority complexes, coz shes particulary crap at herself actually.

8. Your heart will be broken many times along the way, sadly that’s the only way you’ll get to know what the real thing will or should look like: kissing a bunch of toads to find a prince and all that jazz.

9. One day, you will be the breaker of someone else’s heart, its nothing to be proud of but don’t go beating yourself up about something that was unavoidable.

10. Do run a comb through your hair from time to time, although you’re pretty unconcerned about it, it inevitable will become the butt of many jokes to come in highschool.

11. Enjoy looking at mum and dad with stars in your eyes because in T-minus 10 years that will all change, possibly for the better too although it will hurt like mad. You will learn the important lesson that nobody deserves to be put on a pedestal.

12. Appreciate your siblings, right now you are probably pretty convinced you’re adopted and that all 3 of them (even the 6 yr old) are plotting your doom…but they come in surprisingly handy in years to come and for the better part, you will get along great.

13. A lot of good will fly your way and for the better part, you’ll take most of it for granted with that adolescent self-assured, arrogance that only a teenager could possess. However, I am here to tell you tomorrow will not bring a repeat of yesterday’s gifts, you only get one shot to give of your best so make sure you do it each and every time.

14. I would love to warn you about every single bad thing that comes your way but without those, how will you know your own strength, your own faith, your own determination. However, just know that for every bad thing that comes your way, they’ll be at least another three good things to come out of it (and only the beauty of hindsight will highlight this).

Remain unapologetically you.

Future Me/You xxxxxx

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Mamma Mia, It's a Meme

I've been tagged by the lovely Ruby!

I am grateful for any activity that distracts me from the fact that my car has somehow become the nesting ground for a lot of spiders. To say i'm freaking out is an understatement! *shudder shudder*

The rules are: I have to put my ipod on shuffle and answer the questions with song titles. Enjoy.

“Kitty Kat” - Beyonce

“Diamonds are a girl’s best friend” – Marilyn Monroe (no comment)

“I belong to you” – Lenny Kravitz

“Thinking Underage” – Teddy Geiger

“Keep on Keeping On” – MC Lyte (Ain’t that the truth!)

“Don’t Call Me Baby” – Madison Avenue

“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” – The Temptations & The Supremes (awwwwwww, but its true)

“Bug a Boo” – Destiny’s Child (oh gosh, I can’t stop laughing…lol, I’d say its about 50% true)

“Handiende” – Oliver Mtukudzi’s version (lol)

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
“Wonderwall” – Cat Power’s version

“Hand in my pocket” – Alanis Morisette “And what it all comes down to, is that everything is gonna be fine, fine, fine…coz I’ve got one hand in my pocket”

“Back to You” – John Mayer (very, very, very accurate…I’ve got chills now)

“Appletree” – Erykah Badu (life’s too short to be surrounded by bad company)

“Angel” – Sarah McLachlan (wow, now I am well and truly spooked)

“Don’t Cha” – Pussycat Dolls ( I swear, I couldn’t make this up if I tried)

“Fast Car” – Tracy Chapman

“Canned Heat” - Jamiroquai

“It Ends Tonight” – The All American Rejects

“Son of a Preacher Man” – Aretha Franklin

“I learned from the best”- Whitney Houston (touché)

“Everything” - Lifehouse

“Sugar We Are Going Down” – Fall Out Boy

I tag:

Joe Black
Not a Fairytale Princess

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Royal Flush

Compared to the disaster that was last weekend, this weekend was a breeze. Not once did I feel inclined to rock in fetal position while listening to James Blunt, hahaha. I decided to put my recluse ways behind me and immerse myself, somewhat, back into society.

The highlight of my weekend however, was how I kicked garo/a*s in poker yesterday evening. Contrary to what I told The Blonde Blogshell, it turns out I’m not such a shite poker player after all.

The General & GG hosted the mini-poker tournament at their casa that was attended by themselves, moi, The Godfather, Flash and Fattie*. We were all novices at the game, but after a few “warm-up” rounds, the tension began mounting as the game took a turn for the intense. Fattie and I were holding our own amongst the boys and even though I lost half her chips (eish, sorry hun), the sisterhood still held strong.

I managed to win a few hands with some impressive hands, a Full House & a Straight and I came third out of the six of us playing. The Godfather played it cool, virtually unreadable the whole nite he added the spice with raising ridiculous bets which were usually backed up with equally ridiculous cards (a pair of lovely Aces blessed him at least twice during the whole game). However, it was Flash who I dubbed The Comeback Kid coz when he was down to about 3 poker chips, he managed to win the pot and wage a war against The Godfather who he ultimately thumped.

I really don’t need another vice to add to my growing list but I’m beginning to suspect that Poker is going to right up there with my penchant for trashy novels.

Weekend Highlights

- Spending time in great company.
- Meeting up with S who I hadn’t seen since varsity days when were running riot in the streets of Rondies and the like;
- Gorging myself on hot chocolate, Earl Grey tea, the most decadent choc cake and waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many Marie biscuits to count;
- Being a bad-a*s poker play (yes, I am tooting my own horn)
- Catching up on loads of sleep.

Weekend Lowlights

- Missing 95% of the movie, “Perfect Stranger” because I was concussed from the sugar rush I’d suffered at the hands of the choc cake and all things sugary.

Fattie (pronounced: Fair-Tea) is actually one of the skinniest chicks I know!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Unwritten: Work In Progress

“I am unwritten,
Can’t read my mind,
I’m undefined.”

Don’t laugh, but I’m toying with the idea of writing a trashy Harlequinesque type novel, it will be one my “projects” for the coming year. I blame my English A’ level teacher for planting the idea in my head many moons ago.

She actually wanted our whole English class to collectively write a trashy novel. I’m sure some goody-two-shoes ratted her out for her plans to stray away from the set syllabus because that was the last we heard about it.

The idea has been lying dormant in the back of my mind since then.

‘I’m just beginning,
The pen’s in my hand,
Ending unplanned.”

Boarding school provided me with sufficient fodder regarding all things romantic- fiction related as my boarding hostel was full of trashy-novel-peddlers & pushers. I swear I must have gone through at least a thousand of these books then which resulted in a sorry addiction I’ve been trying to shake for the better part of this Millennium.

Most people have narcotics to provide them with a quick-fix, I have trashy novels with the most predictable plots in the world to provide me with my fix. Tis very sad, believe me, I know! I’m hoping some good will come of this nasty habit possibly in the form of a bestseller on Oprah’s book club list perhaps, that would TOTALLY justify it.

“Stare at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty windows,
Let the sun illuminate the words you could not find

The formula is quite simple in these books: Boy meets Girl, a petty argument ensues, Girl and Boy are estranged for a while in which time one of the following happens:

1) Girl is pregnant with Boy’s offspring but conveniently forgets to send him this memo.

2) Boy goes off to find himself but can’t shake thoughts of Girl;

3) Either Girl or Boy reinvents themselves into a high and mighty big shot but somehow preserves the inner girl/boy-next-door.

A lot of back and forth ensues and eventually Boy and Girl realise they can’t live without each other *cue dramatic music and motorbike ride into the sunset*

“Reaching for something in the distance,
So close that you can almost taste it”

Told you I’d read a gazillion of these books (bad Vim, bad girl!)

“Release your inhibitions”

As yet, all I can come up with are nifty book titles and hilarious Nom de Plum's, but not plot or characters to speak of. What I do know, however, is that my impending best-seller will take place on this continent and my characters won’t have those rubbish stereotypical names that most of the characters in these books have, like: Hunter, Chad or Logan (I have yet to meet a male with any one of these names). Oh and red-haired damsel’s in distress are banned from my books, unless said damsel is sporting a wig or a weave, hahaha.

PLEASE feel free to offer up any suggestions regarding the plot, character names, background setting, promise me, they WILL be greatly appreciated. And of course I would acknowledge you in the Author’s note :-)

“Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you,
Only you can let it in,
No one else
No one else

Can speak the words on your lips
“Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Real Shows Killed The Soapie Star

I can’t believe I missed Chris Brown’s guest appearance on Generations last night.

I’d heard so much about his cameo appearance after it originally aired on SABC a few weeks/days ago(?) but they had some Generations re-run on last night and sadly I missed it again, even after I got a rather excited-breathless call from a mate of mine, a fellow ardent Chris Brown groupie (It’s a well known fact that I smuck that ouen proper, if I wasn’t so loved up at the moment, I definitely would!)

“She want that lovey dovey (lovey dovey)
Kiss kiss (kiss kiss)
Her mind she fantasize bout' gettin' wit' me"

Last night’s soapie viewing cemented just how much I hate soapies of any kind. I find them insulting at best...but there I was, glued to the set for the last 10mins of the show trying to catch a glimpse of boy-wonder (the things we do for those we smuck).

Its great to see that my dislike of soapies still holds fast & true, after all:

- The dialogue is sh*t and contrived (who the heck speaks like these people);
- The characters are way over the top; and,
- There's an abnormally high incidence of: natural disasters, people rising from the dead, people’s evil twins returning from who-knows-where, weddings getting interrupted at that exact appropriate time, children growing up over night (in one episode little Kirsty is 3yrs old, by the following week she has aged overnight into a 16yr old hell raiser).
All in all, it's just a bit much.

In the late 80’s and early 90’s I was raised on a staple diet of Neighbours, Santa Barbara, Dynasty, Falcon Creast, Dallas, Knots Landing and Monday night Shona dramas. Take away the big hair, shoulder-pads and rather bright eye makeup and lipstick and today’s soapies are EXACTLY the same, the same bloody drama and mind-numbing intrigue.

In the words of the Barenaked Ladies song, “It’s all been done before.”

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

What i think Bobby Valentino didn't realise!

So you know that song by R’nB Bobby Valentino, “Anonymous”, the one where he’s crooning on about meeting a girl in the club who doesn’t tell him his name but keeps responding “Anonymous” and he’s kinda getting frustrated that she’s not telling him her name.

"I wanna know, i wanna know your name (your name, your name)

Why you gotta be Anonymous."

My theory (and I think I’ve hit the nail on the head with this one) is that Bobby Valentino had actually bumped into a Zim chick by the name of Anonymous, heck, I’m pretty sure she was there at the club with her sister Synonymous too, lol.

My lovely countrymen & countrywomen, have a knack of naming their kids the most random of names. So if you can call your child, “Flight”, “Hatred”, “Consider” and “Sophisticated” then the chances of “Anonymous” being someone’s name seems are very likely! And the chances of this mysterious lady, the muse of Bobby's song actually being called Anonymous are even more probable.

Listen to the song again, it will make perfect sense then.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to.

Oh and what’s this of Ms Beyonce Knowles trying to do her own cover version of Aaliyah’s track “One in a Million.” Has this chick heard of NOT messing with perfection. Eish, I love B and all , but now she’s just smoking ish!

That’s my two cents for the day :-)

Monday, December 03, 2007


The first two days of this month better not be an indication of how the rest of the month is going to go, cause if it is, then I’m going to find me a rock to crawl under right this minute! Better yet, doesn’t someone feel like sending me on an all expense paid trip somewhere sunny where Mojito’s are free and forth coming!

I spent the better part of this weekend suffering from a terrible case of very bad hair! It all started with me being a bright spark and figuring that it would be a great idea to wash my hair before getting to the hair salon (don’t ask), at some point the power goes out, but I figure I’m okay ‘cause the hair salon will have power right….WRONG.

Lets just say, the whole city was without lights and generators were not doing what they’re supposed to. Hence, I had no choice but to rock my mad ever growing ‘fro all weekend and only managed to sort it out this morning at 6.15am when the electricity decided to jol back.

Weekend highlights

- Spending all of Sunday shooting-the-shit with a great friend who didn’t even flinch when I showed her the disaster that was my hair from under the bright blue dhuku I was sporting.
- Introducing a toddler to the finer sounds of dirty south rap, hahahaha, it was so cute how she was bopping along to the beat. Her father, an avid rave listener, however, was not impressed – hahahaha.

Weekend lowlights

- Very bad hair
- No lights
- No water
- Phone being funny

All this compounded with all sorts of other drama over the weekend has left me in a very, very frazzled un-chrismassy, bah-humbug kinda state.

I’m now going in search of that rock I was speaking about earlier…