Sunday, November 04, 2007

Mums the word!

Like most Zim queens*, my mother tends to believe her children are up to no good. On countless occasions my siblings and I have tried to convince her that we turned out pretty well…who am I kidding, we let her know that she got blooming crème de la crème of the brat batch**.

However, this theory is constantly put to the test when she finds the odd copy of the Kama Sutra (not mine) when “dusting”, the secret ciggie stash (once again, not mine) when putting clothes away, the ever depleting bottles of booze from the bar (that's me) or the mere fact that we are out until dawn gyrating to the devil’s music (guilty as charged).

Nope, judging by the amount of time my mother spends praying, honestly, you would think that she had spawned four versions of the devil incarnate.

Nevertheless, nothing, NOTHING could have prepared me for the conversation I had with her a couple of weeks ago. People, I could not make this stuff up if I tried!

Background Scene: It’s 10pm on an odd Saturday night and I am IM’ing and FB’ing friends. All in all, it was the perfect recipe for a very lame night indoors.

Mom: (Suspiciously looks into the room) “What are you doing?”

Me: “Messing about on the computer” (sheepishly trying to look like I am doing something constructive)

Mom: (Sits down next me and looks off into the distance quite pensively)…….(silence).

Me: (nervously watches her out of the corner of the eye wondering “what’s up”)

Mom: “So I was thinking, you and your sisters need to sit down together, talk and tell eachother, ‘No more fornicating’”

Me: (burst into a nervous giggle which then turns into a coughing fit) “What???”

Mom: “There is so much evil in the world, without exposing yourself to it by sleeping around.’

Me: “Umm, who’s sleeping around exactly…after all, it is 10pm on a Saturday nite and I am still at home with no intention of fornicating tonight.”

Mom: “Well, just something to think about, good nite”(and she exits the room)

I promptly dissolved into laughter, which then caused a lot of snorting and wiping the tears out of my eyes, all brought on by my excessive amusement.

I was left there wondering WTF???

My mother has spouted some truly priceless stuff in the past, but this, definitely makes my Top 5 List of Mum’s quotes. It’s right up there with, “If I buy you silk pyjamas for Uni, promise me you won’t go around showing them to all the boys!.’

Yes, my mother is a riot! As the dutiful child that I am, I thought it only the right thing to call up my lovely sisters and pass on our mother’s very wise words. These words were met by fits of giggles and expressions like, “You lie!”, “Urrrgh, I hate that word…”fornicating”, “Gosh, I wish I was getting some…but I’m having a bit of a dry spell actually” and “Trust you to defend yourself Vim and leave us hanging”.

*Queen = Zim slang for “mother”, after all, we all know who is really running the show at home :-)
** Come now; look at what Marilyn Manson’s mother has to put up with? Or the mother who reared Miss Always-caught-without-any-knicker’s Britney’s


Anonymous said...

Vim that's absolutely pricesless!

Vimbai said...

Lol, thanks!

Anonymous said...

LOL - sorry hon ciggies are mine - teehee.


Vimbai said...

I usually find your stash before she does and have to dispose of it, but you know she's already seen it anyway coz she'll start asking seeminly innocent questions like, "Has your sister given up ciggies yet", LOL, hilarious mate!

Anita said...

LOL - that is too funny!

Vimbai said...

Hey Anita Tarp-re-tarp, hehehe...i haven't called you that in a while! Hope you are well hun!

Anonymous said...

note how she did not say stop shagging but rather fornicating - i think she is ready to cash in her "chips" on the lot of you !!!your boet it appears can fornicate carte blanche for now - not?

Vimbai said...

Now where would she have heard the word "fornicate" from? I discourage my 'rents from using any slang that was created post 1980!

The queen also uses old skool rules, so said only son can screw anything living with an XX chromosome, but we must remain chaste pure virgins until said future husband gets his act together and enters the picture...yes, delusional as it sounds, thats her utopia!

Vimbai said...

Oops, i meant, where would she have heard the word "shagging" from?

She still calls anything that has any remote nudity a "blue movie", lol!

Anonymous said...

Hold up people I do believe that our mother does not think our brother fornicates.

Vimbai said...

Altho empirical evidence blatantly shows otherwise, ma mere is quite happy to ignore mon frere's dabblings into the world of fornication, lol!

Lolo said...

I can't believe you actually baked some brownies and finished them alone...well maybe naTidi, u know i love your baking....I'm quite touched Vim

Vimbai said...

You snooze you lose my love! Don't worry, i will hook you up next time i get the urge to play around with flour, butter and the like :-)

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh that blog is priceless uve got me rolling on the floor with laughter even though i already knew the story hahaha....lina lamont

Vimbai said...

Awwwwwww Lina, i miss you too much! Am happy i got a giggle out of you hun!