"Sorry i'm not home right now
I'm walking into spiderwebs
Leave a message
And i'll call you back"
No Doubt - "Spiderwebs"
In the after-life, when I reach the pearly gates and St Peter holla’s out my name and I’m about to make my grand entrance into the Land of All That Is Good, my path will be blocked by millions and millions of angry spider souls, who will literally have a bone to pick with me.
You see, over the past few days, I’ve extinguished quite a few lives, spider lives to be exact!
It being summer and all, these eight-legged monstrosities think its cool to crawl in from the garden or attic (or wherever they chill) to hang out in my room or bathroom. So like an Italian Don in the making, I decided to send a clear message to the spider nation capisce, by eliminating these inhabitants in the great hopes that fellow spider onlookers to this horrific acts of mine will send word back to base-camp that certain rooms are off bounds.
Sadly that tactic doesn’t seem to be working. I can be found trying to reason with them, imploring them to leave my room otherwise I won’t be held responsible for my actions. I’ll trot off to catch my hourly dose of bad tv in the high hopes that on my return the perpetrator would have vamoosed my living quarters, but noooooooooooooo, he’d still be found lurking, quite smugly actually, where I’d left him.
What’s even stranger is that for every two spiders I vanquish, another 4 appear in their place. And what’s even worse is that they’ve taken to molesting me in the shower now*shudder shudder*
I’m not a happy puppy…boo!